Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Resolution or Revolution?

Here is my Barstool article for December.. (pg 48-50) Thanks for everyone that participated.

Resolution or Revolution?

What a stark irony that one of the most popular New Year’s Resolutions among Americans is to stop (or at least cut back) on drinking. I find it ironic for many reasons. One: if you actually sit back and evaluate your life, drinking is probably not even in the top 3 of your problems. Two: this revelation to cut back on alcohol comes directly on the heels of one of the most popular drinking months of the year. Think of the time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s…do you or do not consume more adult holiday punch, eggnog, import beer and pinot than you usually do? Albeit, most of the alcohol is to get you through that once a year family bonding time, but a drink is a drink no matter what the force behind it is.  

By definition resolutions are a promise that usually yields an advantageous change or reform. New Year’s is a time for people to sit back and evaluate their lives and make promises to themselves on how to live a better, more productive, stress-free year. And it’s all a hoax. After a long hard year full of partying, you probably realized you partied too hard, drank too much, smoked too much, had too much sex (or for some not enough), spent too much money, didn’t spend enough time with friends and family and the list goes on and on and on. Big sigh.  

Looking back on a year in review in the life of Jayme Lamm I could have made some changes. Let’s be real..some B.I.G. changes. But what’s that Carrie Underwood song? Lessons Learned? And without all these critiques of myself, how on earth would I be able to conjure up multiple New Year’s Resolutions (aka self defeating prophesies) to give myself hope that I may not be as much of a lost cause as I once thought? I’ve also noticed in my pattern of resolution making that year in and year out, I always make the exact same resolution, which tells me one thing: I SUCK at New Year’s Resolutions. Maybe together we can start a revolution on ridding society of this secular tradition and just live life the way we want. Living day by day rather than one declarative statement ruling every one of the 365 days.  

Don’t get so down on yourself for not accomplishing your resolutions. 30% of people flush their New Year’s Resolutions straight into Harris County sewer system within the first seven days (just to clarify, that’s only a week) of making it. Along with that resolution in the toilet goes your dreams of being a skinner, wealthier, fitter, and more successful new and improved you. But it’s not all in vain.  

Top 10 New Years Resolutions 
(and how to accomplish them within Houston city limits in red):

1. Spend more time with friends and family. get a group together and visit your favorite watering hole

2. Get fit/lose weight/eat right. many of your favorite pubs now have healthy food options and a plethora of light beer selections (the only other option is to learn to be dedicated enough to incorporate gym time in your routine before going out)

3. Reduce stress by having a nice glass of wine. (for recommendations read Holly Beretto’s articles) or spending quality time with friends (also see # 1)

4. Quit smoking. shouldn’t be too hard since smoking is banned in Houston bars

5. Enjoy life more. by spending time with friends (again, see number 1) and changing your usual scenery once in a while to experience all that Houston offers. Get out and enjoy the diversity of our city.

6. Quit drinking. sorry, not sure we can help you here. But take Drunky Brewster’s advice and don’t drink and drive

7. Get out of debt/save more money. by taking advantage of all the happy hours all over this glorious city. (Also visit Bronx Bar in the Galleria for $3 Three Olives Cherry and Cokes-it tastes exactly like Dr. Pepper)

8. Learn something new. by reading Barstool every month and check out what parties are happening and new bars are opening. You could also take basket weaving at HCC if you were looking for something non-alcoholic.

9. Help others. and be a designated driver once in a while or offer to pay for a cab for your friends. Or just help an old lady cross the street

10. Get organized. by keeping an updated social calendar of all the events and concerts in the city. Or plan a work happy hour and get to know your co-workers (but you don’t really need to get to know them like that..)

And here are some of Houston’s hottest New Year’s Resolutions confessed at a happy hour at Lucky’s Pub:

Sarah Whitsett- to lose my virginity— LOSS ”not yet, still trying”

Andi Aldridge- to stop smoking— LOSS- “I chain smoke more now than I ever did”

Damian Liccketto- to give up porn— LOSS- “I failed miserably” who in their right mind wants to give that up?

Sally Gunter- not to have a New Year’s Resolution this year— WIN, easy enough

Paul Gagnon- to get my picture in a magazine next to a cheerleader— WIN, thanks to this issue

Kristi Kotsatos- to get thumb reconstruction surgery— LOSS, there’s always next year

Brittany Williams- to stop cussing so damn much— LOSS- “shit, I suck at this damn resolution shit.”

Jen Henrichsen- to cut my alcohol bill in half— LOSS- “I broke up with my boyfriend so it basically doubled.” Damn.

James Burns- to become a cage fighter- LOSS- but have you seen his muscles? There’s still time left in ’08.

Bobby LeMaine- to stop getting wasted on O’Douls- WIN, “it was pretty easy once I set my mind to it”

Jonathan Smoot- to start working out- WIN

Adrienne Davis- to continue going to school- WIN

Katherine Perk- to not drink so much on weeknights or at least still make it to work the next day— WIN, so far so good!

Rachel Bodron – to stop trying to be everyone’s friend and enjoy the company of those who love me for me - WIN

Here are a few other good-looking ladies that got a head start planning their resolutions for ’09:

Suzy – to travel through Europe for a month next year. I plan to hit about 13 countries hopefully in July or August.

Eyleen Byargeon – to stop dating bad boys (Can I get an Amen?)

Maurielle Laurenne – to elevate the intellectual, physical, and spiritual strength of my loved ones and myself!

Krystal – to pay my taxes, haha. No really, to start recycling and using biodegradable products to protect our ozone.

Shannon Gros – to quit chewing my nails and stay on the yellow brick road

Alicia Kruse – a New Year’s Resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other, so my advice is just to live life to the fullest!

Here’s one of my favorites for the upcoming year (and possibly upcoming 4 years):
Melanie J. - to learn to accept our new President and let go of the hatred for the idiots that voted for him

Hell, you still have all of December to get crazy so before year’s end so here are a few recommendations for living la vida loca…

Live a little and go spin the wheel of debauchery at Shot Bar; check out Rocbar’s Monthly Mayhem (the first Friday of the month); Houston’s original 80’s night with “The Lost Boys” live music at Pub Fiction; Union Bar & Lounge- any night of the week for any occasion; Ladies Night at Wild West (Wednesdays) with ridiculously cheap drinks and even more ridiculously good people watching; Brunch at Cyclone Anaya’s; Late night pizza at Angelo’s; Relaxing with a glass of wine at Lizzard’s Pub; $1.25 shots on Mondays at TOC bar; Saint Dane’s amazing fried oreos; Legs and Eggs on Saturdays at The Men’s Club; Happy Hour and great sushi at The Fish in Midtown; Listening to David Nuno on 1560 The Game; Cheeseburgers at Baker Street (this is a must if you’re hung-over); Heineken Light kegs at Specs; and lastly, reading the entire December edition of Barstool from cover to cover.

And let’s set some guidelines for making your ‘09 resolutions. If you’re reading this it’s probably safe to say that giving up drinking or going to bars is not feasible since this entire publication is dedicated solely to that atmosphere. So rest assured that everything is fine in moderation and we expect each and every one of you to keep Houston one of the best party scenes by doing exactly what you did in ‘08.  

Be safe and be merry. See you next year Houston.


Monday, December 29, 2008

Photo booths are my Phave.

Lisa and Kristi helped me cross #4 off my list.  They are great friends and I plan to take many more photos in photo booths.  

Dearest Lisa,

I cannot express my gratitude enough for the great lengths you went to finding a working photo booth in H-town.  

And of course, thanks to Waldo too! 


Sunday, December 28, 2008

Wide Open Spaces.

I'm not talking Dixie Chicks.  When I was in Florida for Sarah's Siesta Fiesta in July, my friend Jodi and I had a good talk about what she called "wide open spaces" (WOS) and how being on Myspace, Facebook, blogging, the phenomenon of google and all that other stuff allows people to learn everything about you with the click of a mouse. She wasn't kidding.  She's a smart cookie.

I've been on Facebook for less than 24 hours and already it proved why I hate it and validated her stance on WOS.  Everything is fair game and you can learn so much..

The ex-boyfriend that I've been upset over for months has been lying to me. And let's not forget to mention that good ole Facebook just revealed he was cheating on me. Amazing how stuff like this falls in my lap. I guess this will sure as hell help the healing process. If you're reading this, and I know you are, don't ever talk to me again. Please. And thanks.

I wonder..if I had been on Facebook would he have still cheated on me? hmm..food for thought.


Saturday, December 27, 2008

3 girls. 6 bars. 1 night.

3 girls (2 single, one happily married), dinner at Backdoor Cafe with a new-found vegan scraping the extra parsley off our plates because she just finished reading "Skinny Bitch" and was starving.  The thought of meat and tortured animals repulsed her.  This was a wonderful topic of conversation as Lisa and I devoured our delectable meats.  

We amazed even ourselves by making it to one restaurant and six bars in one night.  Dinner was followed by my new favorite bar (wait for the story in barstool for full details) Marfreless (#1) where I jacked the menu for research purposes.  This is THE makeout bar in Houston. Swear.  And you may ask what does a married chick do at a makeout bar?  Makeout with me, of course.  If it's a good friend of the same sex, it does not count as cheating.  (Note, this didn't really happen but we told all the guys it did..so damn gullible, but I guess for me that is believable.) There is no sign on the door and the door is blue.  Somehow every soul in Houston knows exactly what I am talking about when I say "makeout bar".  They had the best pomegranate martinis ever.  But back to the blue door..this started our "where's waldo" version for every bar we stopped at.  

Then off to Keneallys (#2) Irish Pub where they sadly did not serve hairy cherrys (my new fave drink...Three Olives Cherry and Red Bull..preferably sugar free).  The bar was hot as hell so when Houston gets hit with another cold front, go to Keneallys.  Somehow throughout the course of the night everyone got super excited about talks of "Celebration Station".  As a Texas transplant can I ask if such a thing ever existed?  If so, please take me now.  Oh and it is confession time..we doused KK's drink with red pepper flakes.  Too bad that was the drink that everyone unknowingly wanted to taste.  Our apologies to all of you.  This is where we also devised our plan to get wasted and order a pepperoni and sausage pizza to share with our vegan friend..

(#3) Vintage..but don't let Lisa pronounce it.  She says it like spinach and only makes it one syllable.  Terrible Lisa, terrible.  If you saw me you would have known I didn't plan on going out to the bars after dinner.  I had my ginormous overnight bag instead of a cute little clutch which is much more conducive to bar atmospheres.  Back to Vintage..Kristi refers to it as "Sintage", but said she'd take one for the team.  Since half of the remaining team is married I guess by team she means me?  She did warn us we'd see an abundance of fish belts and boat shoes.  I concur with Waldo..sintage sucks. Plus, I'm not so sure Fire Marshall Bill would have approved of the chandelier over the makeshift army tent.  We came, we saw, we went.  Quickly. But not without our waldo photo.  Notice her thumbs down in this pic?

Last night was either Ike Numero Dos or the Santa Anna's were rolling in.  Lisa had the best idea for my Christmas present..to help me cross something off my 101/1001 and go to Katz's (#4) to take pictures in a photobooth!  3 girls.  1 booth.  Extra small booth.  As we waited 7-10 minutes for our photos to print, we three genius' decided to figure out how much it cost.  We paid $3 for 4 photos.  Even the engineer couldn't figure it out.  We looked like a conversation of Heidi Montag, Jessica Simpson and a contestant in Miss Teen USA trying to figure out this math.  After 10 or so guesses our cell phone calculator application came in quite handy.  Approx $.75/each.  

(#5) Pearl Bar.  Packed.  Same as usual.  But....at 12:30am the vegan broke down and split a beef taco.  She was doing so well, but we still have high hopes for her.  

Walking to Blue Label (#6) Kristi said she needed to throw up.  I thought she drank too much but instead "I can't believe I ate that poor tortured cow.  I need to vomit.  Quickly."  Classic KK line.  I will be happy if I never go to Blue Label again. 

and I ended the night with a fourty-seven minute and fifty-two second call to the ex..not the smartest thing I've ever done.  (sorry girls.)

Oh and might I add that somehow I'm a writer for Barstool Magazine and this was my first time at every one of these bars (minus Pearl Bar).  Talk about stripping away my bar virginity in one night.  


Monday, December 22, 2008

Charm School Catfight.

Now if this isn't an oxymoron, I don't know what is.  It's no secret that I'm an avid fan of reality TV.  I don't think you can beat Rock of Love (ROL) or any variation of the show which leads me to Rock of Love Charm School.  

For those that lead real lives and don't have time for such rubbish, I'll give you a briefing. Rock of Love has had 2 seasons with Bret Michaels (from Poison) as their "bachelor" and they lured a plethora of skanky goodness to compete for his affections.  The caveat being he didn't want a "groupie".  Let's just say this Bret..if you get a chick at all, I promise it's not because of those trendy little ensembles you wear on your head..it's simply because they grew up with Poison posters on their bedroom walls and want to turn a childhood fantasy into an adult DVD. Oh how I digress...

Picture NBC's "The Bachelor". Replace the network with VH1.  The Bachelor typically has a guy with a current career while ROL features a rapidly fading career (old rocker).  The contestants on the bachelor are usually teachers, real estate agents, hair salon owners and the like.  The contestants on VH1's version range from porn stars to strippers and the occasional tramp in between.  I digress yet again...my apologies.  

As a spinoff to this deranged world, VH1 had the prowess to bring back the trailer park-drug abusing-alcohol vomiting-I have sex with blowup dolls-girls back to teach them manners.  And who better to teach the girls etiquette and moderation than the ham-slinging neighbor Sharon Osbourne?  

As rumors have it, the teacher, Mrs. Osbourne got in a hair-pulling match with one of her "students", Megan Hauserman.  Imagine that..maybe she wasn't a suitable host after all.  My money's on Megan.  Maybe you can pal up and become trophy wives that throw hams. Food for thought.  Pun intended.


Sunday, December 21, 2008

I love balls.

Cake balls that is.  I got this great recipe from Bakerella and I must say, they turned out pretty well (my only critics so far are David and Brent).  I guess balls are all the rave for baking because just last week Andrea turned me on to Oreo balls and those were money too.  (please note, this picture is from Bakerella's blog..mine did not turn out quite so pretty.)

Why do so many of my statements start with "is it bad.."?  While I'm beaming in delight over my cake balls, I must confess not everything I baked tonight turned out bueno.  

So my question is...

Is it bad if you bake something and royally f'ed it up to take them to a homeless person?  I mean..I don't really want to throw away the chocolate covered crap I just made and they are hungry, right?


Monday, December 15, 2008

My Own Brand Timeline Portrait

Jane is a cool chick with a badass blog who works in advertising.  She came up with this radical (albeit nerdy) idea to track the brands she used on a given day.  

Since I'm into branding and feel the brands one chooses directly reflects personality, I wanted to create my own and TODAY was the day. I consider most of the brands I use to be my "cultural accessories" and as you well know,  a girl can never have too many accessories!

I'm sure I forgot a few things (i.e. toilet paper), but after massive head trauma cut me some slack.  

So here's mine..comment and let me know what you think..


Sunday, December 14, 2008

Stairway to Heaven

I've been MIA lately because as the damn dark cloud overhead would have it, I was hospitalized and broke more stuff.  This experience gives the Led Zeppelin song a whole new meaning.  As if a broken tibia and cast weren't enough, I fell down the stairs at a friends house during an amazingly fun girls photoshoot and ended up in the trauma unit.  I suffered a severe concussion, fractured elbow, sprained finger and bruised kidney-
I am the Q U E  E N of C L U M S Y.

After being hospitalized, a week of bed rest and the brunt of numerous jokes and nicknames I think I'm almost back to normal..whatever that is. Thanks to everyone for the calls and help..especially Tam'ra, Patrick (so sorry), Sunshine (again, so sorry), Justin, Sally and Sati. I'm a very lucky girl (minus all the current ailments) for having such great friends.  

And yes, I rocked a McNabb jersey in the hospital. It was part of my getup for the photoshoot which hopefully will be rescheduled when all the bruises disappear!

I am now officially terrified of stairs. Swear.

Dear Santa,
Please send me a bedazzled helmet for Christmas to protect my dome.
Please and thanks.

While my life is pretty much summed up in funny little random stories, all kidding aside, this was the most traumatizing experience I've ever been through.  I was so scared without my parents and hearing all the possible talk about brain swelling and bleeding was too much. The worst part was being in the room with someone fighting for their life and hearing the doctors call the time of death. I've prayed for her and her family everyday since.  It's amazing how one little trip down a flight of stairs can put things in perspective.   


Thursday, December 4, 2008

all I want for Christmas..

is Jessica Simpson to never sing live country again. Ever.

Dearest Jessica,

Once upon a time I truly adored you. I too thought Chicken of the Sea was actually chicken and still find the product extremely misleading. You're smokin hot, the proactive is working wonders, you're even dating a decent quarterback, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD no more country muzak. You're just not good at it and when you try to belt those darn twangy lyrics you actually sound as if you have the hiccups. I wanted to run up to you and give you water. Also, there was a man in the audience yelling at you. We couldn't tell if he said "You suck", "Play the song", or "You're a slut". Odds are it wasn't the second one. Please no more. Ever. Again. Thanks.

Yours truly,
Everyone with Ears.

Darius Rucker (from Hootie and the Blowfish) was one of performers last night at KILT's 9th Annual Ten Man Jam. This song really got to me for apparent reasons because I know it's so true.

I've never been to a "jam" and luckily my roommate who hails from the boondocks of Tejas told me that a jam is when a bunch of musicians sit on stage and take turns playing. I loooved Randy Rogers, Roger Creager, Lee Ann Womack, Hottie Hotterson Billy Currington and Pat Green. I dug it. Watching them chug beers together and make funny faces at Jessica. Especially Gretchen Wilson when you could tell she was thinking "How the hell are WE on the same stage?!" Nice.

And of course the night was finished at Wild West. Topped off with Whataburger with the world's largest cheeseburger at 230am which is NEVER a good idea. EVER.


Monday, December 1, 2008

I lalalove Monday Night Football

Thanks to my boss for the great birthday tickets to the game tonight!  And it was actually cold in Houston for once, hence the Battle Red Scarf.  

One of my favorite things to do is laugh so hard I either cry or pee my pants..in public you can probably guess which one works best. This is one of those stories you'll ask "oh, you had to be there?" But just try to picture the hilarity..Sophie and I laughed so hard..

As the Texans scored a touchdown (I'll admit they are few and far between), everyone jumped up cheering...beer sloshing everywhere and all that good stuff.  The guy (old man) in front of us jumped up and did one of those leaps where you lean forward mid air and stick your finger out screaming #1. Well, dude's feet did NOT touch the ground again..he belly flopped directly into the concrete, down the stairs and face first into a ketchup packet.  I truly cannot make this stuff up no matter how overactive my imagination might be.  

Needless to say, I was entertained laughing at this man (who by the way tried to pretend like it NEVER happened) while all the men around the stadium were hooting and hollering at the Texan Cheerleaders.  Hey, we all have our priorities and I'm not judging..

Monday Night Football is probably the best thing to do on a Monday and this was the first time in Texas history it was here!  Too bad I didn't see Erin Andrews because we all know how I feel about her (and if you don't, just ask)..

Texans 30- Jaguars 17