Wednesday, December 30, 2009

he just wasn't that into me..

I can't start off by saying I wish I would have known..because unfortunately, I did know. I'm the leader of the pack when it comes to hopeless romantics that get blinded by what is or what could be, and it's a shame.

I have been debating writing this blog for exactly one year. A year ago, I started dating Zach (while privacy for me is not a huge deal, I know it is to him and even though he didn't respect much of anything about me, I will give him the courtesy and respect his privacy). We met a couple years ago at a bar and randomly kept in touch..when it was convenient (read into that what you will). About a year ago, the timing seemed perfect and we talked about actually dating. One night he said, "I just realized we've never even been on a date. I think it's time." As a girl, and remember, hopeless romantic, I was floored. He was so incredibly sweet, sincere and genuine.

On the night of said date, he didn't show. It was his friend's birthday dinner (so he obviously wouldn't forget), but the pickup time came and went and not a peep from Zach. A few hours later, disappointed and heartbroken (because I tend to set myself up for such situations) I sent him a text letting him know I was disappointed and had misjudged him. I had NEVER been stood up before. My dating life has never been stellar, but I'd never been stood up. No call, no show. Never, not me. Not until I met him and not until that night.

I spent the night asking myself why I get my hopes up. What I did wrong. Why wasn't I special enough to stay on his mind. How could he forget someone like me? As a writer with ideas/topics always presenting themselves, I keep a monthly poster-size post-it note on my bedroom door with possible blog topics. That night I wrote "He's Just Not That Into You-personal experience, being stood up", then drank a glass of wine and went to bed.

A few nights later Zach came over. As we were about to fall asleep he read my latest blog idea. He laughed and asked if it was about him. Of course it was. I made it a point to tell him that was the first time I had ever been stood up. Not long after, we officially became a "couple" and I thought things were great. This is the guy I thought I had always dreamed about. But every month when I re-wrote my blog ideas on the post-it, I would write "He's Just Not That Into You". Every month. Zach always asked why I kept putting it back up there. I thought at the time it was because it was a good blog post. That standing someone up was a good indicator he just wasn't into them. And maybe it was my way of reminding myself what happened. Maybe I wanted to warn others about it, without truly realizing what it meant in my own relationship.

What I realize an entire year later that it was a red flag I ignored. I gave him the benefit of the doubt even though I knew what it meant. Looking back at the relationship, the conversations, the commitment issues, everything, it's painstakingly clear he was never into me. If I had trusted my instincts, or maybe backed off, I wouldn't be in the position I am at this exact moment: sad with a broken heart, and angry that I let a guy who clearly wasn't interested into my life.


(no one was harmed in the making of this blog, though a few tears were shed..)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

the pursuit of happiness

The three aspects of man's unalienable rights are "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness", so says our Declaration of Independence. Ever wonder what would happen if you stopped pursuing said happiness?

Maybe you don't realize it, but everyday you wake up, you are pursuing happiness. Just by getting out of bed you are pursuing happiness..looking for something in your day to bring you joy. You eat food that makes you happy. You spend time with people that make you happy. You dress in clothes that make you feel good, which in turn makes you happy. Women wear makeup and get their hair done because again, it makes them feel good leading to happiness.

Being "happy" isn't a given everyday. We must do our best to put our best foot forward and remind ourselves to be happy. I read books and research topics that interest me, because it makes me feel more intelligent. Feeling intelligent makes me happy. We all have our habits, our quirks that bring happiness to our lives.

Hopefully when you go to bed at night you feel blessed and thankful and happy from something in your life that puts a smile on your face. God-forbid you wake up one morning and it's gone. You have to pursue happiness again. It isn't guarantee to be there. Happiness comes from within and that's one of the scariest thoughts of all.

I would certainly call myself a happy person on many levels, but content I am not. Maybe that's why I'm in love with the concept of the pursuit of happiness. Maybe that's why this self-evident truth gives me hope. It's not necessarily about the end result or acquisition of being happy, it's the perpetual pursuit of always looking for more.

I may be happy today, but maybe the pursuit of happiness will lead me to a happier tomorrow. Let's hope so.