Sunday, February 22, 2009

a mint with a hint of crack.

a sweet little girl sold me crack outside of Kroger this afternoon. She was posing as a Girl Scout.  I made it 55 days without giving into the phenomenon of girl scout cookie nation and couldn't take it any longer.  I cracked..the damn scout got me on a day of weakness (aka hungover) and I bought 6 boxes of thin mints..which sadly won't last more than 2 weeks with my addiction.  

I have found myself over recent years stalking grocery stores simply to score a few boxes of, thin mints.  I've even caved to purchasing the goods on ebay...and I wish I was kidding. It literally is an addiction...I have cash in hand straight from the ATM so no one catches me buying MORE. The last thing I want is for the paparazzi to catch me red-handed.  I go through these cookies quicker than Jude Law goes through babysitters and Kevin Federline goes through wife-beaters.  

These tiny bastard little peddlers prey on hungover and sweet tooth crazed women like me.  I bet right before cookie season they bring all the little scouts around the campfire to sing kumbaya, roast marshmellows and force selling and negotiation tactics taught by Harvard professors on how to prey on the weak. It's all a conspiracy.  

Not convinced in my conspiracy theory?  How about the fact they have the insolence to call them "Thin Mints"?  I mean, really?  That would be like an Oprah Winfrey workout video titled "How to lose weight and keep it off."  You'd be better served to just call the damn things "You are fat and if you aren't when you buy this box, you will be after you eat it."  It's a long name but well suited.  

And what's with the time frame of selling the cookies for only 3 months out of the year?  I mean, they don't stop production of Whiskey or Crack in March, so why Girl Scout Cookies? You are forcing me to binge and buy an unlawful amount for the sake of not running out (which I still ALWAYS manage to do).  

(If you find yourself eating more thin mints than years before, it may not be completely your fault.  Due to our current recession, the Girl Scouts of America have cut back the number of cookies in a box by 4 from last year!)

I'm anxiously awaiting all the extra lbs with baited minty breath thanks to this futile addiction.  

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Professional Vacationers Take on Puerto Rico..

Vacationing with best friends is a must in anyone's life. And we should be no different...except we are. Together we grunt through the tedious work weeks simply to take exuberant and ridiculous (though completely necessary) vacations which we capture into our memories with a gagillion pictures (338 to be exact), catch phrases and high fives that only we could understand, and recently...blogs. And let's not fail to mention the memory we leave with many of the islanders...

(PS, you DO NOT in fact need a passport to go to Puerto Rico nor are you required to go through customs to enter or leave PR...seems like the entire world knew this except us...which only means we need to plan another vacation immediately to a destination that does require this)

Puerto Rico was amaaazing (not amazzzing) and is recommended for a couple's getaway, girl's weekend or any spontaneous vacation. We don't discriminate drinks...local beer, mojitos, daiquiris of all flavors and sizes, shots, wine, most of Rafi's special drinks, and whatever else is thrown our way. Who are we to judge what we drink while on vacation? And whether you're hungover, have the flu, fighting food poisoning or are just plain exhausted, a drink on the beach in PR will always take the pain away. Well at least more so than $40 worth of identical, non working cold medicine and a roll of traveling toilet paper. You are in freakin' Rico for goodness sakes!

This trip marked the beginning of the High Five Pact...which not only signifies our devotion to our legitimate careers in vacationing but also our friendship that has been nothing short of amaaazing with a shared motherhood of an 18 lb teacup Chihuahua. Or as his surogate mother is convinced, an 18 lb Dachiwawa.

We realized on the great island of Puerto Rico... the truth hurts so wear a helmet and it's all about the story. A pen and pad for documentation should always be handy. It's important to peep the peep. Personal concierge's are a necessity for travel. We will always get upgraded even if we get turned down. Praying for sun really works. Moms like to give us their 19 year old sons Facebook info to look them up. Which I guess as the older we get, is a compliment. Still not sure. Jackpot Party is a game that can be played for hours and can reap many rewards. Texas Tea is a close second. American Airlines should change their name to Amateur Airlines because it's much more fitting and the #2 flight attendant should be fired. New Yorkers may be on to this whole Professional Vacationer thing. A hammock and an ipod are sometimes all you need (well, and maybe a camera). In a Spanish country, speak Spanish. Even if no one else is and you don't really know what you're saying. When in doubt- simulate actions like eating an "apple." Pirates are popular in places other than Tampa, FL. Directions in San Juan are never accurate enough, regardless if you are a competent driver with a semi-competent co-pilot. Even a pictorial of a cloud with rain over a tree which clearly identifies the rainforest is still not enough to denote the directions to the actual rainforest. Where the hell was 191 on that one? We should film Corona or Medella commercials on a regular basis. Always be in it to win it- score or not, especially when nickels are involved.

And it's ok to eat McDonald's on Valentines Day with your best friend in Puerto Rico.

.Jayme & Joy.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Jayme's Got a Gun..

having heard these lyrics sang practically my entire life, I couldn't resist using that headline. (and yes, I know the lyrics are actually Janie's Got a Gun, but try growing up with my group of friends and tell me different...)

Yesterday I finally got to cross shooting a gun off my list and it was incredible! And thanks to my experienced teacher, I didn't miss the target dad would be so proud. And my mom would be so proud that I didn't accidentally get shot.

The shooting was followed by a great thanks for that :) and to the rest of out...Jayme's Got a Gun. (not really, but wanted to say it once more..)


Thursday, February 5, 2009

S'more Wine Please..

Check out my February Feature in this month's Barstool.  pg 14 & 15 or click the photo to read the article.

We all know how much I love wine!  



Sunday, February 1, 2009

Crawl Back Where You Came From.

Hello Bandwagon fans.  You come around each and every post season and each and every post season I get fully disgusted with your buffoonery.  

Super Bowl XLIII ended just minutes ago and these "fans" are faking a high level of elation because "their" team won.  More than likely, this is the first Steelers game they've watched all season or possibly EVER.  I'm thinking Steeler Nation just tripled its members and I just vomited.  

Being a HUGE  fan of sports myself, there is nothing more aggravating than these bandwagoners.  Just because your third cousin's ex-wife lives 250 miles outside of Indianapolis, does not mean you're "from there" and that you've grown up watching the Colts for decades.  And it doesn't justify you being a huge Peyton Manning fan immediately following Super Bowl XLI.  For those of you not into sports, bandwagon activity is similar to someone saying "so and so is my favorite band ever", when in actuality they only know that one song currently playing on every radio station.  

I'm already bracing myself to see icky Steelers yellow all over town tomorrow (and not to mention all the myspace and facebook statuses about victory).  These fan fakers come out of the woodworks and I'm not a fan of them.  
I'd like to invoke a new rule:
Fans must show proof of previous loyalty (as in, before the big win) before they can purchase any article of clothing or paraphernalia 2 weeks following any big win.  

For those of you that are sickly debating becoming a bandwagon fan, read this excerpt from eHow (not that I'm condoning becoming one, I just thought this was funny):

Step 1. Choose a team that has enjoyed a good amount of success. Becoming a bandwagon fan of a very successful team will keep you from having to switch again next year.

Step 2. Cheer for a player instead of a specific team. When that player leaves a team, cheer for whichever team he plays for. Be sure to choose a very talented player, though, as his team is more likely to be successful.

Step 3. Claim to have always admired your new team. Being a bandwagon fan involves a little bit of fibbing every now and then.

Step 4. Buy cheap and generic apparel from your favorite team. Since you’re just a bandwagon fan, there is no need to spend $100 on a unique game-day jersey.  (I call this the fashion statement)

Step 5. Once your team starts losing, stop cheering for that team. If somebody asks you about this, simply tell the person that you don’t really care all that much about this particular team, anyway.

Step 6. Change teams every couple of years. A bandwagon fan has little loyalty to any one team. If another team becomes dominant, switch your allegiance to that team.

Step 7. Don’t pay a lot of attention to your team until the playoffs. Everybody knows that bandwagon fans come out when their team is on the verge of a championship. Once the playoffs start, wear your cheap sweatshirt and support “your team” loudly.

John Ciccarelli wrote this in one of his articles.. "For all of the criticisms that bandwagoners receive, I feel that it is only fair to recognize the tremendous amount of courage they possess. After all, these courageous individuals risk life, limb and any semblance of team loyalty when they leap from one bandwagon to the next."

Be warned..If I suspect you are a bandwagon fan I WILL call you out.  Be ready to back up your pseudo-loyalty with lots of knowledge on your team, including present and past players and present and past coaches.  For the record--I'm completely at ease with bandwagon fans that admit it. Call a spade a spade and you have my semi-respect.  

And for the record, I was not excited about boring Super Bowl XLIII but was pleasantly surprised with a good game.  If the officials had thrown the flag one game earlier, the Eagles would be there, but that's another blog another day.  


happy anniversary to my favorite couple

I have been blessed with many things in this life but nothing more so than my parents.  

Today they celebrate their twenty-third anniversary and I want them and everyone else to know just how inspiring their relationship is.  I know as they read this they are probably thinking "we are inspiring?!"  

Yes, inspiring.

I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for them.  They have set the tone for the exact kind of marriage I want.  True love, passion, a crazy daughter, independence when needed, a daily support system for one another, financial stability, silly humor, and did I mention a crazy daughter?  Mr. Macho Man Ford even wears a suit for my mom from time to time (if you don't believe me, look to the right).  

I must also mention that my dad used to forget what day their anniversary was.  He couldn't ever remember if it was Feb. 1 or Feb. 2 and then finally the genius of a man that he is, started calling it "February Fool's Day" and hasn't forgotten since.  And neither has my mom :)

God must have been looking out for me by giving me such amazing parents.  I pray every night that they don't have to live a single day without one another because I know how happy they make each other.  

Though I haven't put it into practice quite yet, thank you for all you do for me and for showing me what a healthy, fun relationship looks like and that it is possible.  Here's to twenty-three more amazing years!  

love you love me.