Sunday, February 22, 2009

a mint with a hint of crack.

a sweet little girl sold me crack outside of Kroger this afternoon. She was posing as a Girl Scout.  I made it 55 days without giving into the phenomenon of girl scout cookie nation and couldn't take it any longer.  I cracked..the damn scout got me on a day of weakness (aka hungover) and I bought 6 boxes of thin mints..which sadly won't last more than 2 weeks with my addiction.  

I have found myself over recent years stalking grocery stores simply to score a few boxes of crack...um, thin mints.  I've even caved to purchasing the goods on ebay...and I wish I was kidding. It literally is an addiction...I have cash in hand straight from the ATM so no one catches me buying MORE. The last thing I want is for the paparazzi to catch me red-handed.  I go through these cookies quicker than Jude Law goes through babysitters and Kevin Federline goes through wife-beaters.  

These tiny bastard little peddlers prey on hungover and sweet tooth crazed women like me.  I bet right before cookie season they bring all the little scouts around the campfire to sing kumbaya, roast marshmellows and force selling and negotiation tactics taught by Harvard professors on how to prey on the weak. It's all a conspiracy.  

Not convinced in my conspiracy theory?  How about the fact they have the insolence to call them "Thin Mints"?  I mean, really?  That would be like an Oprah Winfrey workout video titled "How to lose weight and keep it off."  You'd be better served to just call the damn things "You are fat and if you aren't when you buy this box, you will be after you eat it."  It's a long name but well suited.  

And what's with the time frame of selling the cookies for only 3 months out of the year?  I mean, they don't stop production of Whiskey or Crack in March, so why Girl Scout Cookies? You are forcing me to binge and buy an unlawful amount for the sake of not running out (which I still ALWAYS manage to do).  

(If you find yourself eating more thin mints than years before, it may not be completely your fault.  Due to our current recession, the Girl Scouts of America have cut back the number of cookies in a box by 4 from last year!)

I'm anxiously awaiting all the extra lbs with baited minty breath thanks to this futile addiction.  
.jl.

3 comments:

k said...

high-larious. just stop with the funniness. i sometimes feel like that guy who dons a pair of those crazy disguise glasses...you know the ones, with the thick stache hanging from a fake plasitc nose, hanging from a pair of heavy black glass-less frames-i think his name is disguise guy. anyway, i feel like him every time i head to randalls off Bissonnet. Those damn girlscouts pierce me with their greedy, cookie pedaling eyes. can't a girl deposit a check at the wells fargo ATM in peace?!

Joy said...

You are pretty much the most amaaazing person (besides myself, of course) I have ever met, known and love. That's right. You.

Rwratchford said...

Too funny!! Last year when I ran out and there were no girl scouts in sight... I outsourced and bought some from EBAY!! So I understand!!