Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Do Something Crazy.

That's pretty much all there is to do in Port Aransas, Texas. It's like a freaking Cheers episode..everyone knows your name...even mine after just a few hours . Not sure whether that's good or bad, but it is what it is.

I spent this past weekend in Port A. with J-Hod. It's not possible to have a bad time when J-Hod is around and this weekend was no exception. I think the whole 2 mile town became a hell of a lot happier when she showed up. She is the yee to my haw.

Little did I know it was still Spring Break and Port A. is one of those classy islands that should be on 20/20 for "City Gone Wild" or "One Big No-No" or even "Check your Class at the Ferry Line". The beach was equipped with everyone's favorite... girl in the too small bikini, multiple men and teenagers with black eyes and missing teeth, beer bongs, beer pong, stripper poles in the bed of trucks, "AdultDVDGold.com" product placement sporadically spread throughout all the mile markers, couches on the beach, boxers trying to attack teacup chihuahuas, "show your boobs" signs written in sand, posterboard, sides of trucks, body parts and more, and an exorbitant amount of corona flip flops, racer back tanks, visors and beach towels.

Some things that only a few of us would understand but I found them hilarious enough to put in writing...

I'm on a Boat
You're not old enough to ride this ride.
I accidentally fell and We dominated ourselves.
Backpacks equal creepers without cars
Beads do not make up for an ugly face.
If your coors light mountains turn white you will be exiled from the island..or at least Julie's bar.
Tan fat looks better than pale fat.

All kidding aside, the island wasn't one of the most prime time vacations I've ever had, but I did meet some badass locals...baby daddy Nick, Canyon boobs and paper-rock-scissors for sunglasses Courtney, Bobby the only sane person in town, Black Eyed Pea and cookie jar rapper Hatch, "who the hell is this and how did you get my number?" John and Sarah....and that's about it. Sorry if you didn't make the list..

And the winner for Best Mom in Texas goes to the dumb girl that stole our car keys because we didn't seem responsible. Funny coming from the girl that had her 4-year old on the beach during Spring Break building her sandcastle 10 ft from the stripper pole and kegs. The Dora the Explorer swimsuit fits in really well with the AdultDVD signs and penis beer bongs. FYI best mom..I'm 27 years old. This isn't my first rodeo and you should be fired from the Babysitter's Club.

.jl.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

So Live Your Life (March Story in Envy)

Grab this month's Envy around Houston, Dallas or Austin and check out my review on pg. 88. Cute new spot in the Village.

.jl.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Martini Stimulus Plan in Sugar Land (March Story in Barstool)

Click on it and read all about it.  Not one of my favorite bars, but it's not bad for a drink after work.

.jl.

not all hotel bars are created equal (March Story in Barstool)

Click on the article to read and let me know what you think!

.jl.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Checked Swing.

I've recently concluded that men's magazines (Details, Esquire, Stuff, Maxim..and more) are much more thought-provoking and interesting than women's. They have unique, relevant, time-sensitive stories unlike the overabundance of women's magazines that will ubiquitously have some variation of the age old question "If my boyfriend ejaculated in the hot tub, can I get pregnant?" Or "My boyfriend's parents walked in on us having sex...". Ladies--It's called archives. Move on. Read the same question from last month or the month before to get your answer. Stop filling up pages and using ink with the same mind numbing questions that only make us feel dumber for buying the magazine.

You should demand innovative pieces with your hard-earned subscription money-especially in today's sinking economy. That was an extremely long segue into a small blurb I read in this month's Esquire (pg. 45)..

CHECKED SWING n: 1. On the baseball field, when a batter stops a swing just before the ball reaches home plate (as shown in the above picture). 2. In a bar, when a patron stops the act of flirting with someone after it becomes clear that he or she is not interested in engaging in "the Lifestyle".

I sweat this ridiculously accurate and appropriate vocab word. Growing up playing softball I long ago learned the baseball-related definition (#1). How many times have you been in a bar talking to a guy you think is H.O.T. but find out he's not interested or worse..a H.O.T.ter guy walks in. You'd hate to use a strike on an unworthy guy. If you keep talking to guy #1, you're striking yourself out by not going after the one you want. So ladies...just a piece of advice..before you go up to bat with a guy at a bar, do your scouting report. Don't overcommit talking to a guy in a bar because once you reach a certain point, it's considered a faux-pas to leave and talk to another guy.

In baseball you only get 3 strikes, co-ed softball you only get 2, and well life...it's still undetermined how many strikes you'll get. So use them wisely. And start reading men's magazines or check back here often for the interesting pieces I get from them.

.jl.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

head over heels..

That's how I felt about my vacation to Steamboat, CO last week. Mostly because I fell head over heels in love with the little town and snow-filled mountains. Comically because if you've ever seen me snowboard (and I promise I'm pretty good!) then you know I often fall head over heels face first into the snow.

Something about snowboarding transforms me into someone completely different than I am here in Houston. Even my brand names change..

I trade my..
burberry for burton
tiffany's bracelets for gloves
seven jeans for spider pants
faux-haux hair-do for a helmet
flip flops and 4-inch heels for snowboarding boots
and most importantly..
my pushup bra for an extra layer of thermals

I also learned a few things (and undoubetdly took notes for this here blog)..

It's not the best use of your God-given assets to flick someone off when you're wearing mittens. You might as well flick off Stevie Wonder..THEY CAN'T SEE IT.

It's beyond impossible to tell if someone is cute all bundled up in snowgear. You never know what's under that beanie or helmet..a little girl with ponytails or a cute guy with dread locks (as if that even exists).

It complete contradiction to my last statement, mountains play host to a large group of hot guys. They either breed them in snow towns or have a shuttle directly importing them to the lifts.

Surprisingly enough, I get along quite well with snowboard instructors. :)

Call me a Board Snob...if I see a cute guy I instinctively look at their boots to see (and hope) they are snowboarding boots rather than antique ski boots. I do the same thing at the beach..a boogie board is not equivalent to a surfboard. No way, no how, no sir. So here is my feeble attempt at a universal apology to the "lesser boarders" out there I may have looked down upon. It's a curse..I swear.

I'm always amazed to see people in their 20's, 30's, 40's and beyond learning to ski/snowboard. I often forget how blessed I've been to have such fun-loving, spoil-me-rotten parents.

I have the best parents in the world.
I have the best parents in the world.
I have the best parents in the world.
I have the best parents in the world.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.

And it's not such a hard-knock life to vacation to Puerto Rico and Colorado (and NY) within 2 weeks. Professional Vacationer, remember..

Here's a small clip of me boarding..not the best, but it's something.


video
.jl.

Monday, March 2, 2009

this bachelor should stay just that..a bachelor

As you all know by now, I'm addicted to Reality TV and ABC's The Bachelor falls into that heinously embarrassing category.  

I've always been leery of people "falling madly in love" in front of cameras after only knowing their suitor for 6 weeks, but gluttons fall for it season after season, network after network.  Somehow they don't catch on that these relationships NEVER work, so shame on them.  I mean, how hard is it to feel on top of the world and in love when you're riding around in helicopters?  Meanwhile, homeboy probably drives a Ford Focus, not a Maserati.  Get real ladies.  The mansion in LA pales in comparison to his real 700 sq. ft. apartment in the slums of Seattle.  Dates consisting of Natasha Beddingfield singing live to you is not the same as riding in the Ford Focus with Whitney Houston on the FM radio.  Of course it feels surreal and amazing.  It's supposed to...that's how ABC makes their money you idiots!

ABC and this season's bachelor, Jason Mesnick took it quite a bit too far. First of all, I never saw a rule book for The Bachelor that says at the end of the season you are REQUIRED to get engaged.  This illusive rule book also doesn't say you must make out and fall in love with multiple people.  It probably isn't smart to go in the "fantasy suite" with one girl the night before you propose to another.  

Also, you've already been on TV for a few months making your case about deserving to fall in love.  What on earth possesses you to wait to dump YOUR FIANCE on live TV?  Was that really necessary? I know ABC probably paid you a fat bonus to dump her live, but come on. Grow a pair and stand up and be a human being for once in your ridiculously sad life.  

ABC..I am totally appalled by your inhumane actions.  You obviously perpetuated this ridiculous dramatic Monday night and ruined people's lives because of it.  I hope your ratings were worth the heartbreak.  ABC no longer stands for American Broadcasting Companies, it stands for ASSHOLE Broadcasting Companies.  And please don't tell me you expect all of us lame reality watchers to think this wasn't planned out?  I don't believe for two seconds that Jason and Molly haven't spoken, texted, emailed or seen each other in 6 weeks.  Give me a break.

While it's obviously absurd to ask me to break my addiction to reality TV, I will not feel bad for any of you that go on a dating show to find true love and then get hurt.  You know what they say, fool me once... fool me after 30 seasons of the same dramatic ending, shame on YOU.  

Jason..I don't say this often, but you sir, do not deserve a happy ending.  Go ahead and start your own show "The Forever Bachelor because I'm a J.E.R.K." on the ASS network.

Melissa, you poor girl.  You live in Dallas, I live in Houston...let's go party and male bash all night long sister. 

.jl.