Wednesday, January 7, 2009

date my leftovers.

Here's the scenario're dating a guy you like a lot who has extreme potential. You think he's "the one" so you pay your dues and put up with his day-in and day-out wavering commitment or wandering eye (insert individual situation here) because you don't really think he'll be like that forever. The cycle continues for months or maybe even years. Then it happens. You guys break up because he can't commit (or keep his eyes and hands for you only) and you just can't handle the issues anymore because you know he'll never change. You're devastated. You tried so hard. You endured so much. You even comprised, which is so unlike you. In between your tears, puffy eyes, runny nose and devastation, there he is..with another girl. He is magically cured of whatever a$$hole ailment he suffered from, which ultimately means you suffered from.

Magically cured my a$$ helped him. You put up with his "issues" and helped him see the light and in walks the skinny little bitch from your college rival reaping all the benefits you busted your ass for and are so deserving of. And not to mention he dresses much better since you came into his life. She has YOU to thank for the nice outfit he is sporting in the engagement photos. And his favorite wine..yup..that's your doing too. That's the wine you guys drank together on your romantic getaway. You know that favorite saying of his you thinks is so damn adorable? Yup, imagine where he got that from.. The picture of him on myspace or facebook that she shows all her friends because he's so dreamy? Yeah, he cropped you out of that.  Or that awesome mixed cd he plays in the car? Or the fact his lips are so soft because he's addicted to chapstick? The list could go on forever.

Because of you he is now ready to get on bended knee like boyz II men and commit to keep his hands and eyes only on her for the rest of his life. Along with wedding invitations let's hope she's courteous enough to send a cute little thank you card your way. After all..she wouldn't have THE MAN OF HER DREAMS if it weren't for you.

Ladies, can I get an amen?

And even though you've finally realized the two of you weren't meant to be, it still hurts like hell. You start to feel like you were the vocals behind the Milli Vanilli scandal. Someone else did the hard work and those nappy headed lip singers got all the glory (at least for a short time). It's like all 35 previous members of Destiny's Child that Beyonce kicked out of the group..they got her to where she is but they didn't get to stand in the spotlight. Instead they get to watch her on MTV and every other channel for the rest of their lives. Awesome.

It's like training for a marathon and then breaking your leg right before the race. It sucks. It's like getting all dolled up with hair and makeup to go out and then falling down the stairs and spending the night in trauma instead of out on the town. It sucks.

So if you're looking to get married, I encourage you to date my leftovers. I seem to have a high percentage of "priming" them for the next girl. 

Please share your individual experiences if you know how this feels. Thanks to a certain someone that encouraged me write this..there is a part in here written just for you.



Sarah said...

Where do I even begin? Clearly, by far my FAVORITE blog yet. Really Carrie Bradshaw, Sex in the City, quality. Hilarious. The analogies were too hysterical. Made me laugh out loud and almost pee my pants.

I have another friend who refers to this phenomenon as the "rebound girl" and that guys marry the "rebound girl".

The older I get (God, how that phrase depresses me) and with the insight of other amazzzing friends, I must admit, I think it's more about learning than leftovers or rebounds (at least for non-idiots). Don't get me wrong, no one is happy when they see their traitor ex-boyfriend wearing colors that don't match (bitter party of 1 your table is ready) or proposing to the next girl he dates after you, but I think about my relationships and I know I was not always a good girlfriend. I know there were many guys who put up with my crazy antics, guys that let me walk all over them and walk out on them and maybe I am their leftovers? Maybe they think, I “got her too young” and she wouldn’t be who she is today without me. So maybe I am cured now? Or maybe I have just learned who I am, what works for me, what I want and what kind of cr@p I will not put up with.

Perhaps, as pointed out to me recently, you shouldn’t have to try. You shouldn’t have to pay your dues and the relationship should just work. You should just be happy and if you have try, maybe you should just send the food back and not bother pushing it around on your plate. Maybe if you went with that feeling in your gut that the fish is bad, no one would end up with food poisoning? But no, you eat the fish because you’re hungry and you get sick. Then, on Monday morning, you realize you were impatient and instead of waiting for the next fish to come along, you keep the wrong one too long.

Or the guy is an idiot, had the BEST thing ever, couldn’t commit because he was immature, afraid, the timing wasn’t right, or was just “living the dream”. You break it off with him because you are sick of the b.s., he realizes his mistake and holds on to dear life to the next half-way decent thing that comes his way because he is now deathly afraid to screw up again, grow old by himself and be bald in 2 years.

But in the end, unless you marry your high school sweetheart, we are all just someone else’s sloppy seconds or thirds or fourths . . .

jb said...

I guess the thing to keep in mind here is that when you end up with your "the one" he will be someone else's leftovers.

PS: I have had 3 seriuos relationships in my life, including the one I am in currently. The other two married the next girl they dated after me. Beat that, bitches.


Joy said...

1) Boy, do I understand this one. But as I can attest, you can put a pig in lipstick but he is still a pig.

2) If it were really meant to be, regardless of breaking up, new relationships, etc, it would be. But after rounds, 1, 2, 3 and on and on (at least for some of us) at some point you need to get a tattoo somewhere visable reading "It's called a break up b/c it's broken."

3) Neither 1 nor 2 takes away from the fact the situation blows and can drive an otherwise stable (well semi stable- blogger, included) woman insane to the point of sad, jealous, psycho stalker and so on and so forth.

4) If a fish smells bad, learn from your past bouts with food poison and send him back to the kitchen. Depending on the restaurant, the chef might try and doctor it up, maybe add a sprig of parsley and cover it in a fattening white wine butter sauce and serve it to the next table. You look over and it looks delicious. You are jealous that she ordered the same fish and it turned out so much better than yours. Oh, but she will eat it (since she cant smell it under the sauce), get food poison, and divorce that fish in less than three years. Or just be forever constipated with an upset stomach, never being able to relieve herself of her symptoms.

5) Sarah, its amaaazing with three As, not three Zs.

Oh and "amen."

k said...

hit the nail on the head with this one and i'm too tired to be as crafty as your gal pals but I amen and ditto them.

jlamm said...

thanks for all the comments..loved them all. and I appreciate the semi-stab, semi-possible compliment about semi-stable from the ever famous co-captain a$$. and I hate parsley so that doctoring it up stuff won't work for me. the book "it's called a breakup because it's broken" really is amaaazing. that is, until the jerk comes back to you and then re-dumps you..then it kind of loses some of it's effervescence

Tam'ra said...

I call this phenomenon the "pickle jar" theory. It's like when you're trying to open a pickle jar and you're struggling with it, won't budge. And then you hand it off to someone and they pop it open with no problem...because you've primed it for them. In the end, in any relationship we have to invest ourselves fully and if we do that and it still doesn't work out, we should have no regrets.

Anonymous said...

I love it! My sentiments exactly. Better yet my new name is "reality check girl." I'm the woman with super human powers to help men realize that they have more potential than they thought. Here comes the really great part, once you date want more out of yourself..and here it comes again...the quarter life crisis. "I just want to take this time out for me to see what I really want from life. You just look like you have everything together and going for you I want that for me...for the future..." You can take the future and shove it up your...that's what you can do! Oh but in the mean time while you're "finding" yourself go ahead and date others to help you with your reality check. Better yet move across the freaking ocean to see what other cultures can bring to your reality. Reality has in store for you overseas is a plate full of STDs and "happy endings." Basically date my leftovers to get the amazing truly focused guy of your dreams...with a large super-sized Hater-aid from ME! Put that in your doggy bag!

he he he...

Thanks ma'am that did feel good.