gymnA$$iums

While the New Year is inspiring for most, when it comes to the gym, it is wrought with the rookie workout team. The resolutions are upon us and I am not a fan.

You might be an A$$ at the GYM if you commit these workout faux pas..

1. TREADMILL WALKERS. (unless you are rehabbing, warming up or cooling down, move it. Especially when people are waiting to actually run on the treadmill.) If you're walking fast or on an incline, that's cool. But no need for a leisurely stroll at prime gym time just to say "I worked out today."

2. Saggy Panty-Wearing Girl Under Spandex. The girls that wear saggy granny panties under the spandex/hot shorts really disturbs me. Most workout attire already comes with lining, so no need to double up and have an exuding panty line unless there's a hygiene issue that I don't want to know about.

3. The extra loud huffer and puffers at the gym. I understand when you lift massive amounts of weight it's only natural to inhale and exhale deep breaths..but no need for you guys to do it extra loud so I can hear it over the Black Eyed Peas on my iPod. I get it..you're a self proclaimed bada$$. Now move along. Not only are the noises loud and annoying, the awkward grunts coming from your body are very disturbing and sometimes give me nightmares.

4. Laziness at the gym. You know what I'm talking about..the meatheads that don't take the weights off the machines. The culprit is usually a beefy meathead in a tank top. Just because you juice doesn't mean I do, so please return your weights. Being lazy at the gym is just too dumb for words.

5. Cardio Worthlessness. If you've been doing cardio for over 30 minutes and still have not broke a sweat, DO SOMETHING ELSE. I know not all people sweat like crazy like me (gross, I'm well aware)...so if you're working out and exerting yourself, keep it up. I'm talking about those people that not only aren't breaking a sweat, they haven't raised their heart rate, are not tired and have not been phased by the last half hour of "working out". This is what I call worthless.

6. Cell Phone Chumps. If you can talk and work out at the same time, you're not trying hard enough. FTLOG, Step it Up. Personally, I don't think cell phones have a place in the gym unless you need to keep track of time (and for some reason the clock on the wall doesn't meet your needs) or you're expecting an important phone call. As always, this is an exception to the rule.

7. M3. Multiple Machine Man. I understand you're doing a circuit and need to rotate reps on a few different machines, but you don't get to hog them the entire time. If you don't own the gym, you don't own the equipment in it. Don't leave your dirty towel or wretched wife beater on a machine and call dibs on it for hours.

8. The Self-Proclaimed Instructor/Weight Lifter Connoisseur. Maybe there are some girls (and guys) that need tutorials on the proper way to lift weights or how to handle equipment, but I'm not one of them. I repeat--save your lessons for someone that needs them and better yet, for someone who cares. I've played collegiate sports and have been in the gym since diapers..I know how to handle all the equipment I need to. While some folks might appreciate the Richard Simmons personal trainer approach, I do not. So please take a percocet and move on. Enough said.

9. Small Talk Sammy. I promise you I do not go to the gym to make small talk or get phone numbers. It's sad that I sometimes have to wear headphones just to drive that point home. When I'm running, I'm running. Not talking.

10. Workout Diva. (And no, this does not stem from jealousy, but think what you will.) Putting on makeup and doing your hair FOR the gym is not ok. While it's perfectly acceptable to have leftover makeup from the work day (or even from the night before), no need to reapply for the gym. If a guy is impressed with a girl's makeup AT the gym, you should send him packing. It's a gym, not match.com. This goes hand in hand with #9. I'm not at the gym to meet guys so I will not flirt with you or primp for you.

11. The Couple. Maybe it's cute you can work out as a couple, but leave the canoodling until after you get home. No need to hold hands on side by side treadmills or wipe each other's sweat. Do your own stuff and ride home together.

12. Larry the Lurker. Creepy, creepy, creepy to have a guy lurk at the gym or hover. There is such thing as a need for personal space..even in a crowded gym. Also, no need to stare. Again, crazy creepy.

13. Unnecessary Nakedness. What you do in the locker room really is your business, but no need to dry your hair and apply your makeup completely in the buck. You can borrow one of my clean towels to cover your goods if you need to. Just ask.

14. The Weight Slammer. I get it Billy Bada$$. You are lifting a ton of lbs over there. Slamming the weights on the ground doesn't make me think it's any heavier..it simply makes me think you lifted more than you could handle.

15. The Mirror Maniac. I am just as guilty as the next of checking my form in the mirror. It's expected and even beneficial for results. But ladies and gentleman, no need to lock on to the gaze of your physique. I would bet your mirror at home would give the same reflection, so try it there instead.

16. Killer Karaoke. The music you choose to listen to is your business and I promise not to judge. But Paula, Randy and Simon aren't listening so keep it to inside voices. Inside your head.

17. Ms. Bad Choice on TV Channel. Under no circumstance is it a good idea to tune the TV to the Food Channel. You a$$hole jerk. I love running 6 miles and watching a skinny chick make a tiramisu on the TV. Seriously.

18. The Accidental Gym Work Out Guy. You know the type. The guy that strides in wearing True Religion jeans and Rainbow flip flops to lift weights. Please wear appropriate attire and footwear to the gym at all times. Go home, put on workout clothes and come back.

19. Minors. Nine times out of ten the younger kids are just there eff'ing around. Please only serious people apply.

20. Anything else I deem annoying is therefore considered annoying. At least to me.

What are some of your pet peeves at the gym?

Since most of these are the unwritten rules of the gym, consider them now written. Learn it, Live it, Love it.

.jl.