Friday, January 23, 2009

I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours..

Once a relationship takes the turn toward semi-seriousness, the ubiquitous questions will undoubtedly arise..

"How many people have you slept with?"
"Have you ever been in love?"
"What happened in your last relationship?"
"Have you ever had your heart truly broken?"
"Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend before?"
"Where's the craziest place you've ever had sex?"
"Am I the first co-worker you've ever dated?"
"This picture of you in Mexico is so cute, who'd you go with?"

The list goes on and on. But to what extent is it healthy to ask and to answer when it comes to past relationships? After all, there is a reason it's in your past, right? Asking these kinds of questions will drive you certifiably insane. You'll picture your boyfriend in Cabo with a cute little blond with ginormous perky boobs and wonder why the two of you haven't gone to Mexico yet. And say your boyfriend confesses to having been unfaithful in the past, do you really want to know that? Even if he's been the sweetest, most trustworthy guy to you, this information will set off alarms and make you question his every move. And who wants to question a guy that has been nothing but amazing to you simply based on a confession of his past?

While I agree honesty is the best policy, some things just aren't meant to be said. If your boyfriend asks you a question you don't feel comfortable answering or don't feel it's his business, get ready for an automatic fight with both of you taking a defensive stance. If you don't answer he'll think you don't trust him or take him seriously, or more often that not that you're hiding something. If you do answer him simply to suit his inquisitive nature, you'll be upset for being put in that position. I recently dated a divorced guy and I wanted every bit of knowledge he was willing to give me. I soon realized I was like Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men and couldn't handle the truth. I did, and still do appreciate his honesty of the situation, but wished I had thought a little harder before asking those questions because the "knowing" still upsets me.

And if you do decide to disclose information on past love, to what extent? Being a victim of jealousy myself, I have a hard time not asking these questions. What can I say..curiosity usually gets the better of me and then I'm pissed for asking. This is the best advice I've heard in a while...DON'T ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT THE ANSWER TO. Simple as that. If you think the answer might upset you or cause you to rethink your relationship, don't ask. Once you put the question out there, you can't get mad for honesty and it isn't healthy to compare yourself to others.

In closing, stay away from the quid pro quo antics and stick with focusing on your current relationship.



jb said...

fine, i will comment. you are a comment slut, by the way.

people always say the best relationships are those in which you start out as friends. WRONG. you tell things to a friend you would NEVER tell to a significant other. worst. idea. ever.

Joy said...

You do not ask. Take your past experiences with said knowledge and get a clue. As you know yourself, people change from highschool to college to adulthood, etc. Do I want my current (in actuality- non existant) boyfriend to know I made out with some guy when I had a boyfriend while I was a Junior in highschool? No. Give me a break. Does that moment define my beliefs and ideals on relationships? Good god, no. All those questions are really sort of irrelevant. It drives me absolutely bananas just thinking about my boyfriend's past relationships and this is without any knowledge of what the relationship was like. I'm sure we all do it in some way or another...sit and mill about how much whiter her teeth are or how much he is smiling in their pictures and on and on the crazy train goes.

There are plenty of other ways to know who a guy is, what they like and what they want without making assumptions via ex diaries.

Its called a breakup b/c its broken. Leave the past in past. Live in the present and be positive about the future. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for some rocky roads.

Peace out.