my match.com profile

In the world of Match.com, it's probably a huge no-no (perhaps even illegal?) to post excerpts from emails and winks to your FB page. But my friends really get a kick out of this nonsense, and quite frankly, so do I. I mean so far I'm not getting much else out of it, so why not?

I promise I joined match for the right reasons. But for now, it just feels SO right to talk about this stuff. I mean, the body builder who looks as if he dipped his 5'6 body into Snooki juice? C'mon people - that is Grade A material for a snark infested blogger like myself.

Anyways, after a few posts (and photos) on FB, a few friends emailed dying to know what the hell my profile says. So in all fairness, since I've been judging others and their feeble online pickup attempts (granted, it is hard to do), I'm now opening the flood gates to get made fun of myself - on FB, Twitter and now this here blog. So read it and weep. Or something like that.
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"I've got a theory that if you give 100% all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end." - Larry Bird

I just turned 30, but that truly has nothing to do with why I'm here. I'm not a cougar, my biological clock isn't going off, I'm simply looking to meet a nice guy; one who doesn't wear Ed Hardy or skinny jeans. A guy that's sweet, patient and can handle my love and obsession for sports. Seriously, before you say that's your dream girl, realize I may know more than you about your favorite player.

If you're the kind of guy that MUST go out on Washington each and every weekend night, let's be clear - you're probably not the guy for me. I like to travel, am extremely active and love using my sarcasm to its fullest potential.

Also, odds are if your profile picture is you without your shirt, I will probably make fun of you. I simply can't help myself. Consider yourselves warned. I'm not topless in my pictures, so why are you?

A few other less than notable characteristics: I am terrified of stairs (walking up and down them), I am a violent sneezer and the hiccups annoy me to no end. I know they say "don't sweat the small stuff", but my hiccups come at the most inopportune times, and I'd hardly call that "small stuff." I'm also highly addicted to chapstick and my lack of memory has become a medical mystery to many. Pumping gas gives me anxiety because I know there's so much more valuable stuff I could be doing with that time (and money) - I drive an SUV so it is especially time consuming. Last but not least, the simple act of driving past an Applebees or Olive Garden will make me vomit each and every time.

Amendment #1 - Perhaps talking about sports above was a bad idea - I signed up for Match in hopes of meeting a nice guy, not to find a new sport's trivia partner. Head over to ESPN for that - it's free.

Amendment #2 - I get that we all signed up for this online dating thing, but after a few emails let's just be big kids and step away from the computer. I spend ALL day on the computer, so chatting with boys online just feels slightly SVU'ish, ya know? I'm not Meg Ryan and odds are you're not Tom Hanks, so this You've Got Mail seems slightly overrated, yes?

My apologies if the above seems highly negative or that I'm listing everything I don't want, but you've got to start somewhere. I'm a firm believer in full disclosure so I don't think my dating profile should reflect any different. Last but certainly not least, I need a guy who is patient. Mostly because I'm an only child and you can read into that what you will. Patience is not simply a virtue in any potential relationship, it's a downright must.__________________________________

.jl.