Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Not Your Typical Valentine's Day Gift

I get it - nothing about my life is normal. Ever. Not even close.

This Valentine's Day as I geared up to "Boycott the World" for the Hallmark holiday I have come to know and hate, my doorbell rang. When your doorbell rings on Valentine's Day (for those of you other self-employed folk), you know there's probably a surprise in store on the other side. Oh hello understatement.

Not in the form of beautiful red roses or a sweet handwritten note which one might think on such a day, but instead, in the form of a book.

From my ex.

The ex from over two years ago.

A package with the book, "Why We Broke Up" showed up in a FedEx box on my doorstep with the following note scribbled on his office letterhead:


I know you hate Valentine's Day, but I thought this might be a good time to give this to you. After I ended things, you kept asking why we broke up and what went wrong. I knew you were heartbroken, but I couldn't find the words at the time.

Mike* told me you recently joined Match.com. He said your FB posts were hilarious, as I'm sure they were knowing you. He also said he didn't understand why a pretty, outgoing and avid sportsfan like yourself was single. I didn't want to say anything to him, but thought I should to you. I heard about this book (don't ask how, but I did) and took the liberty of highlighting some points about why you and I didn't work. Maybe this will help for your search in love. On Match or wherever else you decide to look for it.

You'll always have a special place in my heart. Take care and enjoy the book. Best of luck. And no hard feelings, k?

LYA [stands for love you always - sweet right?]

As you'll see from the picture above, said ex douche actually took the liberty of putting tabs on certain pages. I did some research on this book and how he ran across a book in the Young Adult Literature section at Barnes and Noble is well beyond me. It's apparently a book about a couple that is going through a breakup, narrating their relationship along the way. They take turns reminiscing about old times, citing reasons for the ending. It's actually quite alarming how he came across such a book, but I guess that isn't the point. Hmm, I wonder if he highlighted somewhere that I try and dissect too much information?

And the pages he notated for my reading pleasure? Since the book is all about memories, one of the pages he highlighted was about a dinner the couple went out to. It cited that she ate too much for a girl. He made his own note, "Luckily you work out, but this can scare guys. Especially when we think long term, meaning metabolism goes..."

Another memory of the couple was how she'd always take his clothes and wear them to sleep in. The note that accompanied that tab? "Jayme, girls are supposed to go to bed in sexy lingerie, not my UT mesh shorts that come past your knees."

Oh, so that's why we broke up? I didn't want to go to sleep with bacteria infested thongs that spelled his name in bedazzled jewels? How the hell did I not know this was a deal breaker?

Another tab was about how I dwell on things too much and don't let arguments pass.

My argument to that (which has and always will be) that if you don't TALK about the problem and address it properly, YES, I will continue to rehash the issue, because it remains just that, AN ISSUE. Simple communication would have fixed that, but alas, I don't have a book that I can mark up and send to him, now do I?

Oh and the final Happy Flippin' Valentine's Day kicker for me? After getting the "package", I headed out to the grocery store for a bottle of Prosecco to help ease the pain so I could continue reading each tab carefully through the tears. Pulled into my garage, opened the door to grab the bottle practically foaming at the mouth for a drink and wouldn't you know it tumbled out and smashed right on the ground. All over my brand new running shoes. Awesome, yes?

Crying over spilled milk? Not so much. Crying over chilled champagne however? Cry, cry like a baby is exactly what I did.

So Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. I can't wait for this day to be over. The countdown is on. T-minus some number of hours. I was never good with math anyways. Luckily I had a backup bottle of champagne to fill in.

But in all honesty, book aside, today wasn't so bad. I got flowers from an amazing guy (one who doesn't want a relationship or anything to do with me), but that's besides the point. I think. Or at least not needed for this post. I also ran my regular Tuesday 5k with Avery and BON Running Club and finished up a new article for my Culture Map column on Astros 3B, Chris Johnson. So yeah, not a complete waste of a day :)

[Note, as depressingly hilarious as today may have been for you and even myself, it could never have been worse than last year, which even I can't bring myself to blog about. So there's, that.]



Megan Cassidy said...

Wow. "No hard feelings, k?" Is that the best he can muster after literally HIGHLIGHTING a bunch of the wrong things did to mess up your relationship?

You deserve better than that, clearly. Glad you're keeping things in perspective.

Anonymous said...

idiot. for multiple reasons, the first being that normal guys don't want to see you sleep in sexy lingerie. they want to see you sleep naked. duh. --kasey

Anonymous said...

AMEN to the talking about an issue because it's still an issue. I can't tell you how many times I've said that same thing!! Obviously this ex is a complete douche. You're better off without him!

ERS said...

Excuse my French for the next few sentences.....what a fucking douche bag! Can u imagine what misery the chick will have to go through that actually makes the biggest mistake of her life and marry's that asshole! Obviously he has no life as well if he took the time to highlight shit and send it to you. You are doing much better than him. Send him a thank you note and tell him to lose your address/phone/email and tell him you sincerely appreciate him giving you more blogging material. He's an inconsiderate selfish bastard in my opinion and you deserve FAR better. E

Katie M. said...

can't wait to hear about the winner he ends up with. i'm so glad you're not with him. as cliche as it sounds, you deserve so much better. what an ignorant bastard to highlight a fucking book for a journalist to read. obviously he still wants you pining over him which is why he was pathetic enough to send you that book. way to much thought went into that for someone that didn't want to be with you. relationships are tricky, JL, when you want them, they're not there...when you don't want them, they're there...when things are falling apart you wish you could fix it, and when things are perfect...we can't even see it. for v-day, though, he did you a favor...made it memorable...and showed the world what a douche bag he is. the good and the bad...are all laughs in the end. keep it in perspective. you. are. awesome. happy iloveyoueveryday day. xoxo

doni said...

WHAT A DBAG. You're awesome and for him to tell you you broke up because he was INTIMIDATED by your non-lingerie-wearing, food-loving (fit, athletic, gorgeous) girl, well, I want to knock him in the junk.

Kere said...

i love you jayms. I just wish you lived here so i could help you in the quest of a great douche bag :-) cause let's be honest, all guys are!

and if it makes you feel better, my coworker got 4 different deliveries of flowers... i got none, and i'm MARRIED! sweet.


Anonymous said...

Who does your nails? Love them! Do tell please.