Children Aren’t The Only Screaming Humans On Planes.

For someone who travels for a living, there's something about an airplane that almost always seems to get me in trouble. Usually it's the airline and their excessive delays or overabundance of miscellaneous charges, but today, trouble came in the form of the woman in acid wash jeans sitting next to me on my flight to LA.

You may have noticed on Twitter just before I took off, I posted a picture of the woman next to me. She was probably 40-50 and wearing a hot pink HUGE beach hat on the plane. I knew I was in for quite the 4-hour adventure as soon as I sat down and the hat was resting on my earlobe. Luckily, after about 20 minutes (without me saying a word), she placed the hat in the overhead bin and we went on our merry way 30,000 feet in the sky.

About 45 minutes into the flight, the man in the row in front of me was snoring excessively loud. I mean, L.O.U.D.

People all around were rolling their eyes or cranking up their music on their iPods to drown it out. After about 15 minutes of me trying to do work on my laptop (with headphones mind you), I gently reached up and tapped the man on his shoulder. I whispered, “I’m sorry sir, you’re snoring awfully loud.” He kind of smiled and laughed and whispered back that he was sorry and even commented, “oh damn, I’m that guy, huh?” End of story. Or so it should have been.

Now enter the Asian hat woman directly to my left. The one who had already spilled her orange juice in my lap and didn’t even bother to use her very own napkin to help clean it up.

“I thought this was s a free country,” she said in her broken English. “Huh?” I responded.

Hat Woman: (rudely) He was in a deep sleep.

Me: Yes, and I’m deep in work. I’d like to think if my typing or papers got in people’s way or inhibited their flying experience, they too would say something so that I could make their flight as pleasant as possible as well.

Hat Woman: This is supposed to be a free country.

Me: (blood pressure rising) Yes, as a citizen who was born and raised here and spent all 30 years of her life here, I can attest to that. I’m well aware of what our country is. He has the right to snore, and I have the right to ask him politely to stop. Simple as that.

Hat Woman: This is why I hate your country.

Me: Oh, REALLY? Would you like me to push the call button and get you the fuck off this plane? I’m happy to do so.

Hat Woman: You are a lady.

Me: Yes, thank you for noticing. Was it my c-cup bra size that gave it away, my shaved legs or the vagina underneath my dress that gave that away?

Needless to say, the remaining 2.5 hours of the flight was quite hysterical, at least for me. The entire plane had joined in and overheard our conversation, because one like this tends to get a little aggressive on my end. Even shortly after, snoring man himself told the woman to shut up and go back to her country.

What is it about airplanes?

Am I that much of an aggressive individual or is it simply the fact that spending $400 to sit next to blubbering idiots for hours in such tight quarters that doesn’t bode well for me? Either way, I don’t need a visitor in my country, trying to tell me what America is supposed to be about. You may have read that on those crazy internets or perhaps a history book decades ago, but I live it. I think I’m more suited to know all about the freedom this here country offers.

Editor Note #1: I did in fact speak with snoring man leaving the plane to apologize if he found my comments rude. He didn't.

Editor Note #2: This blog was written in LARGE font during the entire duration of the flight. If that woman can read English, then she saw everything I was writing. Yes, that was planned.

.jl.