Things That Make Me Irate - Episode 2

Admittedly, there is a load of crap that comes along with Facebook that truly irritates me, but it's simply the nature of the beast of this thing they call social media. But there is one thing that people do on FB that actually gets me hot and bothered and causes me to "get irate" as my friends call it.

You know those overzealous Facebook-liker's? The kind that like every single status possible.

My grandmother just died and I'm so sad. [You like this.]

I just found out my boyfriend was cheating on me and that bastard gave me herpes. [You like this.]

I just got laid off after 20 years of hardwork and I can't pay my bills or put food on the table for my six kids. [You like this.]

I mean are these brainiacs actually reading the posts or are they in an Olympic-style competition to see how many statuses they can infiltrate in one day?

I recently posted this sad (but true) status: No fireworks. In the sky or my love life.

It was a holiday weekend so I wanted to ward off anything that would potentially make me irate so I posted this caveat as part of the status: (and hey, overzealous FB "likers", this is one of those statuses it's inappropriate to "like". got it?)

But really Facebook friends, what is likable about "no fireworks in my love life" or the fact that someone just got herpes or they lost their grandmother (notably, not due to herpes)? I must know the answer to your rapid-fire liking of every damn status update. Anyone care to wager in on this?

.jl.

Things That Make Me Irate - Episode 1

Like most people, when it comes time for Lent, I wonder what I should give up. One year it was fast food, the next it was Chik-fil-a, another it was coke (as in the soda, not the drug).

My friend Sophie thought it would be funny (and do me some good) if I gave up all things that made me irate. Um, then I'd have nothing left. Because sometimes I get moody and sometimes people do dumb shit, and that just makes me irate.

At the end of the day I came up with this: I can't give up other people's stupidity for Lent...it's just not possible. I'm supposed to give something up. Your stupidity doesn't count as my giver-uper-item.

Now sure, maybe I take things a little too far from time to time (as almost every post here may indicate), but sometimes it's plain necessary. And of course, today, sure enough, while eating lunch with Sophie, I became irate once again. At my chicken salad sandwich. Yup. You read that right.

Here's my problem. When I order a sandwich (and am paying more than $10 for said sandwich at a restaurant with a waiter and linen napkins), I expect THEM to make my sandwich for ME. I didn't go through a buffet line and ask for chicken salad to be scooped onto my plate with an ice cream scooper. It's quite annoying to take a bite of your chicken salad sandwich and get nothing but toast. Maybe irate isn't the right word for this lunch time fiasco, but it bothered me. I shouldn't have to open my sandwich and spread the chicken salad out to make it even. If an ice cream scooper is the easiest way for you to dish out chicken salad onto my bread, take it one step further and FINISH MAKING MY SANDWICH. Seriously.

This post may or may not be the beginning of "things that make me irate."

.jl

Joel McHale - Meet Bentley

I've yet to determine if I watch reality tv (i.e The Bachelorette) to see what's on The Soup, or vice versa. Either way, it always proves entertaining.

If you've ever seen Joel McHale on The Soup, he's notorious for mocking ABC's loveless Bachelor/Bachelorette series. Before turning my DVR to tonight's episode, my Facebook feed was chockfull of nasty little bits about one of the bachelors "vying" for Ashley's affection - Bentley.

I couldn't wait to watch. The moment it came on, I couldn't help but notice Bentley stealing Joel McHale's job right from under him. Here was Bentley mocking Ashley. Here was Bentley mocking the show and all the clamoring love it tried so hard to stand for. Here was Bentley making fun of himself pretending to be in love with this dental student (read, not a dentist, rather a dental student - which ABC seems to think is not a big differentiator).

What kind of mockery will E! and McHale come up with now that Bentley has stolen their thunder? I'm waiting with baited breath for the next episode.

While everyone (cue my Facebook feed) is damning this guy Bentley to hell, here I am trying to high-five or chest-bump the bastard for being real. He might not have shown Ashley his true colors, but he showed America. This is the most realistic part of this reality series - newsfllllash Ashley and ABC - in real life, guys will play you. They will lie to you. Try to get in your pants. Try to sleep with you, make out with your neck all while breaking up. That is reality my friends. None of this riding elephants in Thailand or taking a girl to the same race track she was proposed to months before her fiance died a fiery death in a plane crash. That is the unreal stuff. Getting played by a guy - that's reality.

.jl.

stupid people have it made

no seriously, hear me out. I had yet another "adventure" at the post office today. Combine that with the day I've had and I just couldn't resist - I had to call my mom and vent about all the ongoing drama in my life.

My mom has not always been good with words (luckily she gave me that amazing feature and left none for herself), but today, she surprised me.

"you're too logical for people sometimes."

In the past I've always heard it phrased as I expect too much out of people or maybe I'm too tough on people - all of which I've dismissed.

Of course I expect an apartment complex I pay $1500 a month for to not be infested with bugs. Of course I expect that the brand new SUV I just bought will not experience electrical problems and completely shut off while driving through a busy intersection. Of course I expect my "beach front hotel" in the Bahamas to actually be ON. THE. BEACH.

Sometimes my frustrations lie not in the fact that my hotel happens to be miles away from said beach but that the customer service agent can't understand why I'm upset. They can't understand why I should be upgraded or sent to the attention of the property manager.

There is something to be said for that popular saying, ignorance is bliss.

Take the woman at the post office today (not the one pictured above. disclaimer, I don't know the one above so she may or may not be stupid...). I asked for postcard stamps and she promptly proceeded to sell me $.28 postcard stamps, only pointing out after the transaction was complete and I was walking away that postage for postcards has gone up to $.29. Why on earth the post office still has the obsolete stamps short an entire penny is beyond me. And why on earth this woman sold me those WITHOUT SELLING ME $.01 stamps is beyond me. Beyond. Me.

I live such a busy life and am constantly go-go-go that this woman probably can't comprehend the frustration of having to go to another post office to purchase the penny stamps. And she sure as hell can't comprehend the massacre of emotions I would have felt receiving all those undeliverable postcards in one heaping pile. The time and drama it would have taken to resend those and everything that goes along with it would have sent me in a whirlwind of despair. But because I know it's common sense to sell someone the appropriate means or to guide them in the right direction, I often expect others to do the same. Wrong-o.

While I (and many of you) get so frustrated and want to strangle the necks of postal workers and apartment managers, it's because we know better. We were brought up with logic and savvy grooming skills to make educated decisions and elaborate deduction skills. Many of these people were not. Not even close.

So thanks to my mom I will try to remember the next time I get all insane crazy mad-enough to host my own Bravo reality series, it's because I'm too logical. Not because they are too stupid. But it is I that is too smart (after writing that I probably just jinxed myself to a minimum of 3 spelling errors).

And thanks to my mom, the constant debacle that is the post office, my apartment complex, a certified letter with an inaccurate cashier's check, and all of that logic up in my head, I'm going to have a glass of my favorite Prosecco. And a cupcake. And then the rest of the Prosecco. In that order. Because I'm full of logic and can't drink on an empty stomach.

.jl.

when will she ever learn...nothing is ever off the record.

my mother. cute. funny. doesn't like bad words. I thought about writing a post about this conversation, but instead decided to treat you with the copy / paste version directly from our Facebook chat this afternoon:

ohhhh

that son of a _itch

you are such a freak

thank you<3

you won't like an article I just pitched. it has the word FUCK in it like 4 times. and I said piss (but I did mention you don't like that word, in the article)

why would you write something with the _uck word?

because it's part of the article

it's centered around the word, you can spell it out mother, you won't be shot to hell

You told them I didn't like the 'piss' word but didn't mention that I didn't like the _uck word? Great mom

you just need to embrace my foul mouth. life will be so much easier

you've never actually said you didn't like the word fuck. you ALWAYS comment when I say piss.

You need to clean that mouth out with DAWN soap.

I think the _uck should be implied

you are so weird.

how did you give birth to such a badass?

me? really?

I ask myself that alot

perhaps I really was switched at birth. like on a Lifetime movie.

well I wasn't put out, so I knew what you looked like...no such luck on your part

still could make for a good Lifetime movie. Tori Spelling could play me.

Who should play you?

Tori Spelling...from 90210?

yes, the one with the crazy spaced out fake boobs. she does a lot of Lifetime movies

Sophia Loren, but she's reall old now

so are you.

I'm not eighty

really though, you are pretty old.

hardly

oh she's that old? well you have to pick someone realistic, duh.

if you keep sunning yourself, you'll look older than me very soon.

daddy doesn't know who would play me either

you just asked him?

someone with some spunk

how exactly did you ask that? I can't comprehend him understanding any portion of this conversation

yes, he walked in

he's going to the store now

what is this? a play by play of the life of a boring retired man?

well he did go bowling earlier he said. I've been home about thirty minutes.

one of the girls from work is leaving so I'm suppose to go to Abuelo's, but I really don;t feel like going.

need to check my work email...love you!

why not? go have a margarita!

Renae is offline.

.jl.

Harris County - a bigger thief than Winona Ryder

If you've ever bought a new car you know all the fees associated with it. If you've ever moved, you know all the addresses you have to update (magazine subscriptions, family members address books, utilities, bills, Post Office official change of address, health insurance, your work profile, and tons more). If you've ever been robbed, you know the drama and detail that goes into ensuring you've canceled your credit cards, changed the locks on your doors, contacted your bank, called the eye doctor for another prescription on contacts, called your insurance company and other things.

During the new car buying process, moving, and getting robbed who actually thinks about updating their EZ Tag?

Well you should, because I just dished out a $33 administrative fee and a $40 fine because this wasn't top of mind and Harris County wasn't responsible and proactive enough to contact me.

There is an automatic $33 admin fee when you get a new car OR a new license plate. I got a car 10 months ago and no one thought to tell me this. The entire time I drove through the tolls in MY NEW CAR WITH MY NEW LICENSE PLATE, Harris County had NO trouble pulling money out of my account. No problem whatsoever.

A few months later I was robbed (ironically enough in Harris County you bastards) and everything was stolen, including credit cards. Still, EZ Tag is no where on mind believe it or not...

Fast-forward to present tense: Yesterday I received a notice from Linebarger Goggan Blair & Sampson, LLP stating that I owed $78.50 to Harris County for my EZ Tag. First thing today I called assuming it was for tolls that my credit card didn't process because I had to cancel the card on file for automatic billing.

But this is what I found out when I called to pay: only $3.50 of that $78.50 was for tolls from 9/1/2010, 10/15/2010, and 1/20/2011. There was also a $33 administrative fee, and a $40 fine because I ignored the original invoice.

News FLASH Harris County and Linebarger and Co: if you actually sent an invoice, I would have paid. You claim to have sent ONE piece of paper ONE time, but yet you had my email, my phone number and the option to have people sign for mail - you chose none of those options.

But because I didn't get this one piece of paper you feel the need to fine me $40? You send one notice and immediately send it off to collections with a fee that is more than the actual invoice?

Oh, and not to mention, nowhere in that $78.50 does that pay for a new EZ Tag to be sent to me for my new car. That of course is an additional $15. Are you kidding me you crazy extortionists?

My favorite part of this experience and the 54 minute call to unsuccessfully get this resolved was from the Harris County Toll Road representative I spoke to:

Although we apply customer service principles to our calls, at the end of the day we don't need to. We apply county principles as that's what we are - a county agency.

So you admit to being an extortionist?

Just something else prompting a consideration to move out of Texas.

.jl.

everyone has a secret.

To say that I'm fuming after watching tonight's episode of Real World - Las Vegas would be an understatement. Judge me if you will for watching reality tv (and for being passionate, upset, and in an all out uproar about it), but do not judge me, or anyone else for that matter for their past.

Tonight's episode was some crazy and dramatic down and out about how Dustin, one of the roommates, used to do porn after high school. I cannot believe there are six individuals in this world (obviously there are a lot more) that will sit there and judge this guy for his past.

Am I an advocate of porn? No. Although I do watch it from time to time (sorry mom and dad). Am I an advocate of gay porn? No again. These people have lived in this house 6 weeks tops, and they are now questioning who this guy is because he was on film for money? HELLO - you're all on film for money! And everyone one of you has had sex on camera (thanks MTV) except for that tragic looking Mike boy. And you're judging?

This wouldn't be the first time MTV has done a heinous job editing the film (remember on The Hills when Lauren and Brody went on a date and she had black nail polish and by the time she came home from the same date it was red?), so maybe that's what happened here. But the other six roommates acted in this episode as if this Dustin character was a sham. As if his entire existence was a lie. Who the hell doesn't have a secret they wish would stay just that, a secret? If you have no secrets in life, either A) Kudos to you for being so entirely, ridiculously open with your life or B) You haven't lived a very fun and eventful life.

Oh and the best part of tonight's episode, which I had to rewind on DVD 4 different times to make sure I heard it correctly. After Heather acts totally wronged (which she should know important details like this, but it's really not the end of the world) and as Dustin is devastated of his leaked secret, she hugs him and whispers I love you.

Wow, please don't sign me up for that kind of love. The 'I love you so much until I learned you had a past that has zero to do with who you are right this minute and the man you've become' kind of love.

And don't even get me started on the episode a few weeks ago when Nani drunkenly confesses she's been a victim of domestic abuse. Because coming from a girl who truly has, I wouldn't dare put myself in the position to try to fight AND beg a violent drunk man to hit me. If you've ever gone through that shit, you don't put yourself in the same scenario. You cower in the corner and learn from what happened and learn to tell the signs and get the hell away from a volatile person. Stupid girl.

.jl.

What did it look like when I was happy?

What a powerful line. What a powerful question.

I'm not usually one for deep thinking an already deep subject as it seems rather redundant, but this is an exception. Tonight, is an exception.

I finally watched Eat, Pray, Love. And sadly, I can't help but ask myself the same question as the young girl in India, what did it look like when I was happy?

Because truth be told, and not many people admit this, I'm not really happy right now. Whether it be the lost love recently suffered, being laid off, homesick, or the bad luck I seem to always encounter, I'm just plain in a seemingly downward-spiraling rut. Whatever the reason, the current outcome and state of mind is the same - discontent, unhappy and more of the same.

The question in the movie is a good one. It speaks of a time in the future when the young girl knew she'd be happy, and she wanted so badly to feel it right that very minute. That's kind of where I am. Wanting to remember what happiness looks and feels like. Wanting to feel assured that it will come again.

I believe there comes a time in everyone's life, that in a time of negativity, in a time that when it rains it pours, that something or someone speaks to us. I can't help but have this jealous craving for wanting what Liz Gilbert (played by Julia Roberts) has in this movie. She has the freedom to do whatever the hell she wants, no matter the cost in time or money. I wish life could be so easy. That I could pick up and go find whatever it is I've been missing. What I would give to be able to take a sabbatical from life - from all the mundane daily tasks on my to-do list, the people who have wronged me that I can't seem to forgive and move past, the bills I have to pay, the broken heart I seem to keep fixing only to be broken again - all of it.

While the movie did give me hope (which thankfully, I've never really lost even in moments of dire sadness), it's created this absolute monster in me that needs a break from life. I'm only 29, I get it. I'm not saying I've lived this sad, tragic life, but for whatever reason, it's been hard. My responsibilities are minor and scattered compared to that of other people my age, so maybe I should head off to some sort of mental or spiritual recess?

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

Like Liz, most of us go through moments in life where we feel we are nothing more than injured souls. My soul feels injured on so many levels which makes it hard to know just where to pick up and start fixing. Watching a movie like this, at a time like this in my life, makes me realize how guarded I should have been of my soul, of my happiness. Before you know it, you end up feeling like a cross-country spiritual journey is your only saving grace to get your balance back.

Smile with your liver. That line in the movie was so permitting. I truly can't remember the last time I smiled so hard and so full of meaning that I smiled with my liver, can you? This is my personal quest - to find things and people in my life so substantial that when I smile, I smile with my liver and it becomes second nature.

"Hey groceries, believe in love again..."

While it may not be reasonable for me to take an entire year off from life simply in hopes of learning more about the subject by traveling abroad, I feel compelled to do something to make me feel again. I'm just not sure what that is...

And a line from the movie I feel was scripted just for me...

"It's not that I need easy right now. It's just that I can't do so hard."

.jl.

I bet Olan Mills never shot a tutu

Three things you need to know:

1. Time flies.
2. Tutus are a way of life.
3. Olan Mills is probably pissed they didn't think of tutu photo shoots!

This picture was taken in Chesapeake, a few months ago during my visit back home to see friends and family.

I wanted new photos for my site and it just so happens my friend Sarah is an amazing photographer. We both adamantly believe that tutus are a way of a life. You can't help but smile at all life has to offer when you're wearing a tutu. It's true.

We went to this amazing park in Great Bridge and she worked her magic. (As you can tell all I did was sit there and stare off into space while she did all the work.) Here are a few more pics in tutus (the baby isn't me, just FYI).

This was one of my favorite photo shoots because it really defines who I am - a chick who means business but doesn't take herself too seriously. And one who loves tutus.

If you are in Chesapeake or Virginia Beach area, Sarah with Vanderford Photography is running a special if you mention me or my blog. A normal sitting fee is $125, but she'll give a 20% discount by mentioning this (please don't steal my tutu idea though, seriously). The sitting fee includes an hour of shooting up to 5 people (any additional people are $20/person) and you'll get a CD with edited photos.

She also does a ton of weddings, engagements, baby...you name it. Check out her site or email her at sarahvanderford@mac.com.

And if you're looking to have a custom tutu made (adults or children), you can email our friend
Joanne at zipperhead@gmail.com.

Poisoned By An Apple (the products and the fruit).

This picture makes me want to be like Snow White. She looks so damn happy as if the only thing she has to do in this world is bake a flippin' pie. Welcome to 2011 sister - that shit won't cut it!

But as the story goes (sorry for spoiler alert from 1937 folks), Snow White was tricked and poisoned by an Apple. And I think that's exactly what Steve Jobs is doing to us.

I'm a big fan of Apple and have been for a while. I have a MacBook, a few iPods, and within the last year branched into the iPad and iPhone world, and I can't say I'm impressed. In the least. Steve Jobs along with many others are selling the idea that the more technology you have, the easier it is to manage. While that may very well be true for some, it sure as hell isn't for me. Continue reading for my unorganized chaos and dilemma.

Tonight as I was laying in bed working on my iPad with my iPhone lying next to me I started to realize that I am the most unorganized woman in the world. Please see examples below and if you truly have advice or know of decent services to help, PLEASE, FTLOG, help a sister out. Or else Steve Jobs is in for it...

- Bookmarks, Read it Later, and the like...
As a freelance writer, an idea maker and an overall good friend helping other friends in business keep up to date, I tend to run across a lot of websites I need to bookmark. I come across ideas/articles to read or share from Twitter, magazine excerpts, email chains, word of mouth - really anything.

What is the best way to keep track of ALL of these places you want to revisit? I use Delicious on my computer (which luckily keeps track on all computers once you log in to the website), and because there is some stupid fee for the app (when the SITE IS FREE), I refuse to use the app. By the end of the week I end up with 20-30 "favorites" on my twitter account (x2), a slew of links on Read it Later, new updated bookmarks on Delicious and handwritten notes everywhere... how can I streamline and simplify this process? (Note, I must be able to categorize the bookmarks for ease of use later.)

I guess a better way to ask this is, how do you organize all your ideas? Sometimes they are hand written or notes in my phone, and other times they are things ripped out of magazines or online articles.


- Files on multiple computers...
Because of the new setup at my townhouse, I now use my laptop more than my brand new Mac Desktop (annoying in and of itself, I know). My files on my laptop are not the same as the ones on my desktop upstairs so I end up not knowing which files are the most updated, or I end up with duplicate files. Sometimes I will email myself the updated file with a note in the subject line to remind myself to download onto my other computer (which is my main computer and the only one I backup), or put them on a flash drive in hopes of remembering to update the other computer. I've heard pros and cons of MobileMe, but what does everyone recommend? In a perfect world, whatever I update on my laptop should automatically update on my desktop and vice versa. I'd love the two to mimic one another. One of the magazines I write for wants us to use DropBox and I've heard good things about it, but how exactly does it work, and does it work for any of you?

- Apples & Oranges...
One would think having multiple apple products would make life easier, right? Well you'd be wrong. Take a simple example like my Twitter app nightmare. On my iPhone I adore the app, Echofon - it's easy to use and exactly what I need. On my laptop, Tweetdeck is the best to use because I tweet from over 4 accounts. But when you head into my iPad world, neither Echofon nor Tweetdeck is worth a C.R.A.P. so I use the web. I have 3 apple products (laptop, iPhone and iPad), 1 Social Media Network (Twitter), and 2 very different apps and am still looking for a third. While this might sound trivial to some, Twitter is a very important part of my day, my idea sharing and my networking. To have to learn/customize 3 different ways to use it is simply not time effective.

I also have notes on my phone, my iPad and even old ones from my Blackberry. Do they all sync up? How do I keep them all together?

The evil witch that got Snow White to eat the poisonous apple is doing the same thing with the Apple products and the apps. Why must it be so difficult?!

- Websites, hosting, platforms galore...
When I first got into blogging/writing, I started this site, A$$ on the blogspot network. It was easy to use, I quickly built a following and am able to write about all kinds of random stuff. Luckily, it's a free blogging service, so web hosting is free.

As I started writing more, I realized I needed an online portfolio, so jaymelamm.com was created. This site was created by an amazing friend of mine and she currently handles all the edits. As it stands, the site is only updated when new articles of mine are published (we are a few months behind). I believe the web hosting is on yahoo! as that's what was recommended to me at the time. As a freelance writer looking for more clients and exposure, should I be doing more with this site? What components need to be added or explained better?

Over the last 2 years, as my creativity in writing grew along with my love of sports, I launched The Blonde Side, which is a Word Press site hosted through GoDaddy. I have since branched off from The Blonde Side brand and launched The Blonde Ranger, and will soon be launching 3 more parts to The Blonde family of sports sites (including The Blonde in Heat, The Blonde Horn and The Blonde Eagle). Currently all sites have different Word Press logins, and different themes (but we are working on those).

Our Charity Chicks Houston site will be relaunched this month on Word Press, but hosted somewhere different due to the way we were previously set up.

So as it stands now, I have 8 websites to track analytics, update content, market to target audiences, etc. and they are all set up so different. Is my email signature supposed to have 25 lines and corresponding links? How can I simplify this? Even from the aspect of a business card - I do all of the above, but they are all branded so uniquely because a charity site is not nearly going to be the same as a sports site on the Texas Rangers. And it isn't at all cost effective or even feasible to carry 3 or 6 different business cards.

With all of those sites, when someone approaches me for writing samples, what on earth do I send them? I know it's based on the client and whether they are looking for print or online writing samples, but that's all a mess, is it not?

It's really overwhelming how you build your brand and figure out your own voice piece by piece then find yourself doing double or even triple the work because like life, all things change..

Help? Advice?

.jl.