everyone has a secret.

To say that I'm fuming after watching tonight's episode of Real World - Las Vegas would be an understatement. Judge me if you will for watching reality tv (and for being passionate, upset, and in an all out uproar about it), but do not judge me, or anyone else for that matter for their past.

Tonight's episode was some crazy and dramatic down and out about how Dustin, one of the roommates, used to do porn after high school. I cannot believe there are six individuals in this world (obviously there are a lot more) that will sit there and judge this guy for his past.

Am I an advocate of porn? No. Although I do watch it from time to time (sorry mom and dad). Am I an advocate of gay porn? No again. These people have lived in this house 6 weeks tops, and they are now questioning who this guy is because he was on film for money? HELLO - you're all on film for money! And everyone one of you has had sex on camera (thanks MTV) except for that tragic looking Mike boy. And you're judging?

This wouldn't be the first time MTV has done a heinous job editing the film (remember on The Hills when Lauren and Brody went on a date and she had black nail polish and by the time she came home from the same date it was red?), so maybe that's what happened here. But the other six roommates acted in this episode as if this Dustin character was a sham. As if his entire existence was a lie. Who the hell doesn't have a secret they wish would stay just that, a secret? If you have no secrets in life, either A) Kudos to you for being so entirely, ridiculously open with your life or B) You haven't lived a very fun and eventful life.

Oh and the best part of tonight's episode, which I had to rewind on DVD 4 different times to make sure I heard it correctly. After Heather acts totally wronged (which she should know important details like this, but it's really not the end of the world) and as Dustin is devastated of his leaked secret, she hugs him and whispers I love you.

Wow, please don't sign me up for that kind of love. The 'I love you so much until I learned you had a past that has zero to do with who you are right this minute and the man you've become' kind of love.

And don't even get me started on the episode a few weeks ago when Nani drunkenly confesses she's been a victim of domestic abuse. Because coming from a girl who truly has, I wouldn't dare put myself in the position to try to fight AND beg a violent drunk man to hit me. If you've ever gone through that shit, you don't put yourself in the same scenario. You cower in the corner and learn from what happened and learn to tell the signs and get the hell away from a volatile person. Stupid girl.

.jl.

What did it look like when I was happy?

What a powerful line. What a powerful question.

I'm not usually one for deep thinking an already deep subject as it seems rather redundant, but this is an exception. Tonight, is an exception.

I finally watched Eat, Pray, Love. And sadly, I can't help but ask myself the same question as the young girl in India, what did it look like when I was happy?

Because truth be told, and not many people admit this, I'm not really happy right now. Whether it be the lost love recently suffered, being laid off, homesick, or the bad luck I seem to always encounter, I'm just plain in a seemingly downward-spiraling rut. Whatever the reason, the current outcome and state of mind is the same - discontent, unhappy and more of the same.

The question in the movie is a good one. It speaks of a time in the future when the young girl knew she'd be happy, and she wanted so badly to feel it right that very minute. That's kind of where I am. Wanting to remember what happiness looks and feels like. Wanting to feel assured that it will come again.

I believe there comes a time in everyone's life, that in a time of negativity, in a time that when it rains it pours, that something or someone speaks to us. I can't help but have this jealous craving for wanting what Liz Gilbert (played by Julia Roberts) has in this movie. She has the freedom to do whatever the hell she wants, no matter the cost in time or money. I wish life could be so easy. That I could pick up and go find whatever it is I've been missing. What I would give to be able to take a sabbatical from life - from all the mundane daily tasks on my to-do list, the people who have wronged me that I can't seem to forgive and move past, the bills I have to pay, the broken heart I seem to keep fixing only to be broken again - all of it.

While the movie did give me hope (which thankfully, I've never really lost even in moments of dire sadness), it's created this absolute monster in me that needs a break from life. I'm only 29, I get it. I'm not saying I've lived this sad, tragic life, but for whatever reason, it's been hard. My responsibilities are minor and scattered compared to that of other people my age, so maybe I should head off to some sort of mental or spiritual recess?

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

Like Liz, most of us go through moments in life where we feel we are nothing more than injured souls. My soul feels injured on so many levels which makes it hard to know just where to pick up and start fixing. Watching a movie like this, at a time like this in my life, makes me realize how guarded I should have been of my soul, of my happiness. Before you know it, you end up feeling like a cross-country spiritual journey is your only saving grace to get your balance back.

Smile with your liver. That line in the movie was so permitting. I truly can't remember the last time I smiled so hard and so full of meaning that I smiled with my liver, can you? This is my personal quest - to find things and people in my life so substantial that when I smile, I smile with my liver and it becomes second nature.

"Hey groceries, believe in love again..."

While it may not be reasonable for me to take an entire year off from life simply in hopes of learning more about the subject by traveling abroad, I feel compelled to do something to make me feel again. I'm just not sure what that is...

And a line from the movie I feel was scripted just for me...

"It's not that I need easy right now. It's just that I can't do so hard."

.jl.

I bet Olan Mills never shot a tutu

Three things you need to know:

1. Time flies.
2. Tutus are a way of life.
3. Olan Mills is probably pissed they didn't think of tutu photo shoots!

This picture was taken in Chesapeake, a few months ago during my visit back home to see friends and family.

I wanted new photos for my site and it just so happens my friend Sarah is an amazing photographer. We both adamantly believe that tutus are a way of a life. You can't help but smile at all life has to offer when you're wearing a tutu. It's true.

We went to this amazing park in Great Bridge and she worked her magic. (As you can tell all I did was sit there and stare off into space while she did all the work.) Here are a few more pics in tutus (the baby isn't me, just FYI).

This was one of my favorite photo shoots because it really defines who I am - a chick who means business but doesn't take herself too seriously. And one who loves tutus.

If you are in Chesapeake or Virginia Beach area, Sarah with Vanderford Photography is running a special if you mention me or my blog. A normal sitting fee is $125, but she'll give a 20% discount by mentioning this (please don't steal my tutu idea though, seriously). The sitting fee includes an hour of shooting up to 5 people (any additional people are $20/person) and you'll get a CD with edited photos.

She also does a ton of weddings, engagements, baby...you name it. Check out her site or email her at sarahvanderford@mac.com.

And if you're looking to have a custom tutu made (adults or children), you can email our friend
Joanne at zipperhead@gmail.com.

Poisoned By An Apple (the products and the fruit).

This picture makes me want to be like Snow White. She looks so damn happy as if the only thing she has to do in this world is bake a flippin' pie. Welcome to 2011 sister - that shit won't cut it!

But as the story goes (sorry for spoiler alert from 1937 folks), Snow White was tricked and poisoned by an Apple. And I think that's exactly what Steve Jobs is doing to us.

I'm a big fan of Apple and have been for a while. I have a MacBook, a few iPods, and within the last year branched into the iPad and iPhone world, and I can't say I'm impressed. In the least. Steve Jobs along with many others are selling the idea that the more technology you have, the easier it is to manage. While that may very well be true for some, it sure as hell isn't for me. Continue reading for my unorganized chaos and dilemma.

Tonight as I was laying in bed working on my iPad with my iPhone lying next to me I started to realize that I am the most unorganized woman in the world. Please see examples below and if you truly have advice or know of decent services to help, PLEASE, FTLOG, help a sister out. Or else Steve Jobs is in for it...

- Bookmarks, Read it Later, and the like...
As a freelance writer, an idea maker and an overall good friend helping other friends in business keep up to date, I tend to run across a lot of websites I need to bookmark. I come across ideas/articles to read or share from Twitter, magazine excerpts, email chains, word of mouth - really anything.

What is the best way to keep track of ALL of these places you want to revisit? I use Delicious on my computer (which luckily keeps track on all computers once you log in to the website), and because there is some stupid fee for the app (when the SITE IS FREE), I refuse to use the app. By the end of the week I end up with 20-30 "favorites" on my twitter account (x2), a slew of links on Read it Later, new updated bookmarks on Delicious and handwritten notes everywhere... how can I streamline and simplify this process? (Note, I must be able to categorize the bookmarks for ease of use later.)

I guess a better way to ask this is, how do you organize all your ideas? Sometimes they are hand written or notes in my phone, and other times they are things ripped out of magazines or online articles.


- Files on multiple computers...
Because of the new setup at my townhouse, I now use my laptop more than my brand new Mac Desktop (annoying in and of itself, I know). My files on my laptop are not the same as the ones on my desktop upstairs so I end up not knowing which files are the most updated, or I end up with duplicate files. Sometimes I will email myself the updated file with a note in the subject line to remind myself to download onto my other computer (which is my main computer and the only one I backup), or put them on a flash drive in hopes of remembering to update the other computer. I've heard pros and cons of MobileMe, but what does everyone recommend? In a perfect world, whatever I update on my laptop should automatically update on my desktop and vice versa. I'd love the two to mimic one another. One of the magazines I write for wants us to use DropBox and I've heard good things about it, but how exactly does it work, and does it work for any of you?

- Apples & Oranges...
One would think having multiple apple products would make life easier, right? Well you'd be wrong. Take a simple example like my Twitter app nightmare. On my iPhone I adore the app, Echofon - it's easy to use and exactly what I need. On my laptop, Tweetdeck is the best to use because I tweet from over 4 accounts. But when you head into my iPad world, neither Echofon nor Tweetdeck is worth a C.R.A.P. so I use the web. I have 3 apple products (laptop, iPhone and iPad), 1 Social Media Network (Twitter), and 2 very different apps and am still looking for a third. While this might sound trivial to some, Twitter is a very important part of my day, my idea sharing and my networking. To have to learn/customize 3 different ways to use it is simply not time effective.

I also have notes on my phone, my iPad and even old ones from my Blackberry. Do they all sync up? How do I keep them all together?

The evil witch that got Snow White to eat the poisonous apple is doing the same thing with the Apple products and the apps. Why must it be so difficult?!

- Websites, hosting, platforms galore...
When I first got into blogging/writing, I started this site, A$$ on the blogspot network. It was easy to use, I quickly built a following and am able to write about all kinds of random stuff. Luckily, it's a free blogging service, so web hosting is free.

As I started writing more, I realized I needed an online portfolio, so jaymelamm.com was created. This site was created by an amazing friend of mine and she currently handles all the edits. As it stands, the site is only updated when new articles of mine are published (we are a few months behind). I believe the web hosting is on yahoo! as that's what was recommended to me at the time. As a freelance writer looking for more clients and exposure, should I be doing more with this site? What components need to be added or explained better?

Over the last 2 years, as my creativity in writing grew along with my love of sports, I launched The Blonde Side, which is a Word Press site hosted through GoDaddy. I have since branched off from The Blonde Side brand and launched The Blonde Ranger, and will soon be launching 3 more parts to The Blonde family of sports sites (including The Blonde in Heat, The Blonde Horn and The Blonde Eagle). Currently all sites have different Word Press logins, and different themes (but we are working on those).

Our Charity Chicks Houston site will be relaunched this month on Word Press, but hosted somewhere different due to the way we were previously set up.

So as it stands now, I have 8 websites to track analytics, update content, market to target audiences, etc. and they are all set up so different. Is my email signature supposed to have 25 lines and corresponding links? How can I simplify this? Even from the aspect of a business card - I do all of the above, but they are all branded so uniquely because a charity site is not nearly going to be the same as a sports site on the Texas Rangers. And it isn't at all cost effective or even feasible to carry 3 or 6 different business cards.

With all of those sites, when someone approaches me for writing samples, what on earth do I send them? I know it's based on the client and whether they are looking for print or online writing samples, but that's all a mess, is it not?

It's really overwhelming how you build your brand and figure out your own voice piece by piece then find yourself doing double or even triple the work because like life, all things change..

Help? Advice?

.jl.