Sunday, August 10, 2008

I want a bedazzled sweater vest for Christmas

It took four years after the last episode to see the much anticipated movie, so cut me some slack for taking a little over two months to recount my experience with the Sex and the City premiere.  

Good things come to those who wait.

Movie critics warned us that the premiere night (May 30) was going to be a force to be reckoned with, but I had no idea what I was in store for.  Needless to say, I did not sharpen my cat claws, pull out any of my old prom dresses, go purchase a new one from Saks, or rock a fedora to the premiere.  Had I known the night ahead, I would have called some of the catty girls from my sorority to help me step up my game.  I should have known pulling up to the Angelica theatre in downtown Houston that I was ill-prepared for the evening.  The girls and I made one wrong move..drinking bottles of wine at dinner rather than cosmos.  Will the higher authorities ever forgive us?!  (I must first preface the encounter below by stating I have never seen an episode of SATC but my good friends Lisa, Sophie and Kristi are always a good time so I couldn't pass up a chance for girls night.)

So here goes the night in greater detail than you've probably ever wanted to know, but I laugh just thinking about it:

Lucky for us, or so we thought, we bought our tickets early.  We knew the movie would be sold out way in advance so Lisa (or Kristi?) bought our tickets a few days earlier.  We were greeted with views of limos, a red carpet, pretend paparazzi and faux SATC cast members, which if you've ever been to downtown Houston is quite a change of scenery.  The four of us filed into line and waited patiently to be let inside.  This was my first experience being let inside a movie theater late..I mean honestly, how can a movie be running late?  It isn't as if we had to wait for Sarah Jessica Parker to show up.  Regardless, we stood in line for an hour past show time.  

So while Sophie and I are standing in line waiting patiently (while Lisa and Kristi were suave enough to sneak past the Wackenhut to save us seats), I noticed my friend Kristen walk in.  If you know Kristen at all, it should be no surprise her and her friends walked to the front of the line.  They walked past all the guys in extra small Armani shirts and Juicy Couture jeans and directly in front of all the girls in frolicky gowns just as if they were at a club.  Having been in line for entirely too long I walked up and said hello.  As we are chatting away about weekend plans and of course commenting on girl's outfits, a heffer walks up and starts tapping me in the chest.  I don't know if I can accurately describe this "tapping" but basically pointing and tapping at my chest hard enough to leave a bruise (sorry, I'm anemic and bruise easily).  

Heffer:  What show are you here to see?
Me: (trying so hard not to sound like an a$$) Sex and the City (and then promptly turn around to the more important conversation)
Heffer:  What show do you have tickets for?
Me:  9:30 (again, promptly turning around because I am not interested in what this girl is selling)
Heffer:  Well we are here for the 8:30 so you need to move to the end of the line.
Me: (Oh dear.)  Then go back in line and wait until they call your show (turning back around).
Heffer:  (rapid finger tapping and screaming to me and others in the vicinity) We have been here all night and you cut in line, so go back.  (Then she points to the Wackenhut police officer/security guard as if I'll get arrested if I don't quickly oblige.)

As I look at her place in line I see Sophie still holding our spot in line.  I very calmly say, "Look, I know you're pissed that you're rocking a bedazzled shirt-I would be too.  But if you see where my friend and I are in line you'll obviously agree that if you've been here all night as you claim, we've been here longer.  Hence the better spot in line.  Have a nice day."  And I turn around again for what I thought would be the end.  No sir.  I should have known better. What I failed to mention in the above is that I came directly from work.  While I have full confidence in the clothes I wear to work, even on casual Fridays, I had failed to notice what I was wearing.  (First rule of thumb..if you are going to make fun of someone, you know the saying..Check yourself before you wreck yourself.)

Heffer's comeback:
"Oh.  Bedazzled?  Funny."  Then she gets louder than anyone I've ever heard before.  Even louder than Susan Jack in college.  "This girl is making fun of my sparkly shirt and she's wearing a sweater vest."  

Ok, I'll admit it.  Even Heffer's have good comebacks from time to time.  I'm not sure I'd go as far to say it was a sweater vest, but it was close.  Sweater vest or not, it was hot.  And it isn't like I made it at home with a bedazzler machine.  I bought it.  At Express.  So there.

Heffer goes back to line, and so do I (sweater vest and all).  As Sophie and I are standing there laughing at the encounter, Heffer continues her antics.  I cannot begin to tell you how many times I heard "sweater vest" standing there in line.  Heffer was relentless so I walk back to her where I see she's united with Heffers.  Great.  Trying to smooth things over I say "Look, let's just enjoy the movie.  You're rocking bedazzled.  I'm rocking a sweater vest.  It is what it is. Call it like we see it.  End of story.  Move on and enjoy your night."

Thinking and hoping that would be the end, it certainly was not.  At this point, Soph and I are contemplating scalping our tickets and heading to a bar..any bar.  I guess Heffer took a reprieve and started heckling another girl eating nachos so I thought I was in the clear.  But then Heffer makes her fatal move.  She starts yelling that I'm sporting a Louis "Fuitton".  First, if you know me, I don't rock fake stuff (well maybe one thing, well two, but that's it).  When it comes to name brands, if I can't afford it, I don't buy it at the flea market.  I don't judge anyone that does, it just isn't my style.  Needless to say the flamboyant men at the movies got my back because they know fake Louis when they see it.  And to make matters worse, Heffer and wolf pack sat in front of Kristen and her friends during the movie.  Probably not a smart move.  

So while it took me a while to cool down from the bedazzled/sweater vest debacle, it was a very eventful evening.  I loved the movie.  I loved my friends that stood by my side and still make fun of the sweater vest even to this day.  

In hindsight, the perfect comeback to Heffer would have been "I curse the day you were born."

I'm starting to feel a bit nostalgic..I may wear that to work tomorrow.  



Sophie said...

Can we post the "girls" picture from that night with you and your sweater vest pouting in the corner?? Haha...I still tell this story every time SATC movie is brought up. Never seen anythign like it.

Lisa said...

Can I just say that although I can't comment on the bedazzled shirt (b/c I was too busy hiding in the bathroom) that I think the sweater vest was darn cute...even for work attire! But it's funny nonetheless!

adam said...

I just discovered your's great! smart, funny, sarcastic (my fave). You're right on about Tila. Who knew a girl in sweater vests could write :)

LGHTNBG said...

I'm super stoked. I made the blog. What a great day. :) You should have told her you were going to call your JACK to come bedazzle her stupid heffer face.