Wednesday, July 2, 2008

tequila makes her clothes fall off..

For those of you who missed the season finale of "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila 2", you missed a dose of entertaining "reality" tv and should count your blessings for unnecessary reruns that MTV is infamous for.

Poor petite, bi-sexual, raunchy Tila was dumped at the altar after a grueling second season in hopes of finding love (operative word-second). Tila has long been riled with the turmoil of whether she wants to be with men or women (see what I did there-I left it plural because I don't foresee her being monogamous).

After Tila gave a heart-wrenching goodbye to broke-jaw Bo, she was ready to give the coveted key (which is a symbol of her heart or more accurately her va-jayjay), but to no avail. Now Kristy, the model from New York (which I adamantly protest the fact she's an actual model) is the one with the perplexed bi-sexual dilemma and is riddled with her preferred choice of anatomy. What's a girl to do?

The kicker to this remarkable finale was Tila's quote after getting dumped. "What am I doing wrong? I just want to find love." Wow, did those words really come out of her disease-free mouth? Ok, Tila, you asked, so let me count the ways to guarantee you won't fall in love:

For starters, we are all privy to the fact your real name is not in fact Tila Tequila. With a stage name like Tila Tequila, what kind of love did you expect to find. I will however, cut you some slack since your legal name is Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen. Ouch. Let's also note that this stage name first surfaced when she was experimenting with alcohol in middle school when she realized she was allergic to alcohol. Hold up, the chick that takes a shot of tequila (or supposedly) after each and every key ceremony is allergic to alcohol? Could have fooled me along with millions of others. Does one wash back the benadryl with a shot of tequila to overcome said allergy?

For the Houstonians out there, it's imperative to mention exactly how Tequila was discovered, because it's nothing short of inspiring. On a lovely day of shopping at Sharpstown Mall, Tila was approached by a young entrepreneur for a chance to model nude. Wow-what an offer. All kidding aside, that's the best offer you're going to get at Sharpstown Mall since most of the offers usually start with something like "give me your purse" and end with something similar to a gunshot.

I wound venture to say your next tactical error is your indecisiveness on choosing men or women. The mere inability for me to decide what restaurant I want to eat at on a given night is almost grounds for breakup, but I certainly have the preference of a plug or an outlet down pat!

Also, haven't we ALL learned by now that reality tv is not the place to find love? What's the saying.."fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me." Tila, you got it all wrong with Bobby on the first season, why the heck would you come back for more? Oh, but I mustn't forget you had a boyfriend of five years during season one. Sorry that didn't work out. You seemed to have such an open relationship. You crazy alcoholic you.

Tila-you are not Annie Lennox. I am fairly confident that making your pseudo boyfriend walk on broken glass to show his love for you is NOT the way to find true love. You've now put 2 guys in the hospital in the span of 48 hours-your record is utterly astonishing. Nor would I recommend making your lovers gorge on bull balls, pig vagina, a mandatory strip show complete with lap dances or having them partake in slutty challenges on a weekly basis to help find love. There are much better ways to find maybe? How about trying a nice Sunday afternoon outside Starbucks? You can get shots there, maybe not tequila though. Probably good for your allergies. Also, I'm not sure how you have the audacity to ask someone you've known for less than 2 weeks to sit in an electric chair or get a tattoo of your name, all in the name of Tila Love. I don't think I'd sit in an electric chair for my teacup chihuahua and his intellectual capacity and handsomeness far surpasses any of your contestants.

I'm sure your 'forget me not' businesses aided your potential suitors in the quest to fall in love with you. Your clothing line "Tila Fashion" is plagued with the slogan "So hot you'll want to take it off". Even while attempting to sell clothes, you can't keep them on. I'm sure any guy (or girl) would consider you marriage material. And let's not forget your website aptly titled, "Tila's Hot Spot", which at one time necessitated an age verification upon visiting and still requires a monthly fee for viewing rights. This screams marriage material. Just think, if your lover has family far away that you can't meet in person, they can always visit your website to get a feel of who you are. I'm sure they will welcome you into the family with open arms. Such a thinker you are. The fact that you are most known for your appearances in Stuff, Maxim and Penthouse really speaks volumes of you and should be the highlight of your resume. Continue to emphasize that in every facet possible.

Did I mention in the above twenty five million reasons of things you did wrong that making out with your boyfriend's mom, brother, sister and dad probably didn't help secure the love you were so longing for? I don't mean to judge, I'm just saying.

Needless to say, this finale was MTV's surefire way to pledge the return of "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila 3". Kristi K. had a good point--maybe they should name the new season something along the lines of "I Survived a Japanese Game Show to Win Tila Tequila's Heart AND a Free Bottle of Cheap Tequila" to secure higher ratings.



k said...

hilarious stuff. i just died laughing at the paragraph with the sharpstown mall stuff. i mean really, outloud!