a mint with a hint of crack.

a sweet little girl sold me crack outside of Kroger this afternoon. She was posing as a Girl Scout.  I made it 55 days without giving into the phenomenon of girl scout cookie nation and couldn't take it any longer.  I cracked..the damn scout got me on a day of weakness (aka hungover) and I bought 6 boxes of thin mints..which sadly won't last more than 2 weeks with my addiction.  

I have found myself over recent years stalking grocery stores simply to score a few boxes of crack...um, thin mints.  I've even caved to purchasing the goods on ebay...and I wish I was kidding. It literally is an addiction...I have cash in hand straight from the ATM so no one catches me buying MORE. The last thing I want is for the paparazzi to catch me red-handed.  I go through these cookies quicker than Jude Law goes through babysitters and Kevin Federline goes through wife-beaters.  

These tiny bastard little peddlers prey on hungover and sweet tooth crazed women like me.  I bet right before cookie season they bring all the little scouts around the campfire to sing kumbaya, roast marshmellows and force selling and negotiation tactics taught by Harvard professors on how to prey on the weak. It's all a conspiracy.  

Not convinced in my conspiracy theory?  How about the fact they have the insolence to call them "Thin Mints"?  I mean, really?  That would be like an Oprah Winfrey workout video titled "How to lose weight and keep it off."  You'd be better served to just call the damn things "You are fat and if you aren't when you buy this box, you will be after you eat it."  It's a long name but well suited.  

And what's with the time frame of selling the cookies for only 3 months out of the year?  I mean, they don't stop production of Whiskey or Crack in March, so why Girl Scout Cookies? You are forcing me to binge and buy an unlawful amount for the sake of not running out (which I still ALWAYS manage to do).  

(If you find yourself eating more thin mints than years before, it may not be completely your fault.  Due to our current recession, the Girl Scouts of America have cut back the number of cookies in a box by 4 from last year!)

I'm anxiously awaiting all the extra lbs with baited minty breath thanks to this futile addiction.  

.jl.

Professional Vacationers Take on Puerto Rico..

Vacationing with best friends is a must in anyone's life. And we should be no different...except we are. Together we grunt through the tedious work weeks simply to take exuberant and ridiculous (though completely necessary) vacations which we capture into our memories with a gagillion pictures (338 to be exact), catch phrases and high fives that only we could understand, and recently...blogs. And let's not fail to mention the memory we leave with many of the islanders...

(PS, you DO NOT in fact need a passport to go to Puerto Rico nor are you required to go through customs to enter or leave PR...seems like the entire world knew this except us...which only means we need to plan another vacation immediately to a destination that does require this)

Puerto Rico was amaaazing (not amazzzing) and is recommended for a couple's getaway, girl's weekend or any spontaneous vacation. We don't discriminate drinks...local beer, mojitos, daiquiris of all flavors and sizes, shots, wine, most of Rafi's special drinks, and whatever else is thrown our way. Who are we to judge what we drink while on vacation? And whether you're hungover, have the flu, fighting food poisoning or are just plain exhausted, a drink on the beach in PR will always take the pain away. Well at least more so than $40 worth of identical, non working cold medicine and a roll of traveling toilet paper. You are in freakin' Rico for goodness sakes!

This trip marked the beginning of the High Five Pact...which not only signifies our devotion to our legitimate careers in vacationing but also our friendship that has been nothing short of amaaazing with a shared motherhood of an 18 lb teacup Chihuahua. Or as his surogate mother is convinced, an 18 lb Dachiwawa.

We realized on the great island of Puerto Rico... the truth hurts so wear a helmet and it's all about the story. A pen and pad for documentation should always be handy. It's important to peep the peep. Personal concierge's are a necessity for travel. We will always get upgraded even if we get turned down. Praying for sun really works. Moms like to give us their 19 year old sons Facebook info to look them up. Which I guess as the older we get, is a compliment. Still not sure. Jackpot Party is a game that can be played for hours and can reap many rewards. Texas Tea is a close second. American Airlines should change their name to Amateur Airlines because it's much more fitting and the #2 flight attendant should be fired. New Yorkers may be on to this whole Professional Vacationer thing. A hammock and an ipod are sometimes all you need (well, and maybe a camera). In a Spanish country, speak Spanish. Even if no one else is and you don't really know what you're saying. When in doubt- simulate actions like eating an "apple." Pirates are popular in places other than Tampa, FL. Directions in San Juan are never accurate enough, regardless if you are a competent driver with a semi-competent co-pilot. Even a pictorial of a cloud with rain over a tree which clearly identifies the rainforest is still not enough to denote the directions to the actual rainforest. Where the hell was 191 on that one? We should film Corona or Medella commercials on a regular basis. Always be in it to win it- score or not, especially when nickels are involved.

And it's ok to eat McDonald's on Valentines Day with your best friend in Puerto Rico.

.Jayme & Joy.

Jayme's Got a Gun..

having heard these lyrics sang practically my entire life, I couldn't resist using that headline. (and yes, I know the lyrics are actually Janie's Got a Gun, but try growing up with my group of friends and tell me different...)

Yesterday I finally got to cross shooting a gun off my list and it was incredible! And thanks to my experienced teacher, I didn't miss the target once..my dad would be so proud. And my mom would be so proud that I didn't accidentally get shot.

The shooting was followed by a great picnic..so thanks for that :) and to the rest of you...watch out...Jayme's Got a Gun. (not really, but wanted to say it once more..)

.jl.

S'more Wine Please..

Check out my February Feature in this month's Barstool.  pg 14 & 15 or click the photo to read the article.

We all know how much I love wine!  

Enjoy.

.jl.

Crawl Back Where You Came From.

Hello Bandwagon fans.  You come around each and every post season and each and every post season I get fully disgusted with your buffoonery.  

Super Bowl XLIII ended just minutes ago and these "fans" are faking a high level of elation because "their" team won.  More than likely, this is the first Steelers game they've watched all season or possibly EVER.  I'm thinking Steeler Nation just tripled its members and I just vomited.  

Being a HUGE  fan of sports myself, there is nothing more aggravating than these bandwagoners.  Just because your third cousin's ex-wife lives 250 miles outside of Indianapolis, does not mean you're "from there" and that you've grown up watching the Colts for decades.  And it doesn't justify you being a huge Peyton Manning fan immediately following Super Bowl XLI.  For those of you not into sports, bandwagon activity is similar to someone saying "so and so is my favorite band ever", when in actuality they only know that one song currently playing on every radio station.  

I'm already bracing myself to see icky Steelers yellow all over town tomorrow (and not to mention all the myspace and facebook statuses about victory).  These fan fakers come out of the woodworks and I'm not a fan of them.  

 

I'd like to invoke a new rule:

Fans must show proof of previous loyalty (as in, before the big win) before they can purchase any article of clothing or paraphernalia 2 weeks following any big win.  

For those of you that are sickly debating becoming a bandwagon fan, read this excerpt from eHow (not that I'm condoning becoming one, I just thought this was funny):

Step 1. Choose a team that has enjoyed a good amount of success. Becoming a bandwagon fan of a very successful team will keep you from having to switch again next year.

Step 2. Cheer for a player instead of a specific team. When that player leaves a team, cheer for whichever team he plays for. Be sure to choose a very talented player, though, as his team is more likely to be successful.

Step 3. Claim to have always admired your new team. Being a bandwagon fan involves a little bit of fibbing every now and then.

Step 4. Buy cheap and generic apparel from your favorite team. Since you’re just a bandwagon fan, there is no need to spend $100 on a unique game-day jersey.  (I call this the fashion statement)

Step 5. Once your team starts losing, stop cheering for that team. If somebody asks you about this, simply tell the person that you don’t really care all that much about this particular team, anyway.

Step 6. Change teams every couple of years. A bandwagon fan has little loyalty to any one team. If another team becomes dominant, switch your allegiance to that team.

Step 7. Don’t pay a lot of attention to your team until the playoffs. Everybody knows that bandwagon fans come out when their team is on the verge of a championship. Once the playoffs start, wear your cheap sweatshirt and support “your team” loudly.

John Ciccarelli wrote this in one of his articles.. "For all of the criticisms that bandwagoners receive, I feel that it is only fair to recognize the tremendous amount of courage they possess. After all, these courageous individuals risk life, limb and any semblance of team loyalty when they leap from one bandwagon to the next."

Be warned..If I suspect you are a bandwagon fan I WILL call you out.  Be ready to back up your pseudo-loyalty with lots of knowledge on your team, including present and past players and present and past coaches.  For the record--I'm completely at ease with bandwagon fans that admit it. Call a spade a spade and you have my semi-respect.  

And for the record, I was not excited about boring Super Bowl XLIII but was pleasantly surprised with a good game.  If the officials had thrown the flag one game earlier, the Eagles would be there, but that's another blog another day.  

.jl.

happy anniversary to my favorite couple

I have been blessed with many things in this life but nothing more so than my parents.  

Today they celebrate their twenty-third anniversary and I want them and everyone else to know just how inspiring their relationship is.  I know as they read this they are probably thinking "we are inspiring?!"  

Yes, inspiring.

I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for them.  They have set the tone for the exact kind of marriage I want.  True love, passion, a crazy daughter, independence when needed, a daily support system for one another, financial stability, silly humor, and did I mention a crazy daughter?  Mr. Macho Man Ford even wears a suit for my mom from time to time (if you don't believe me, look to the right).  

I must also mention that my dad used to forget what day their anniversary was.  He couldn't ever remember if it was Feb. 1 or Feb. 2 and then finally the genius of a man that he is, started calling it "February Fool's Day" and hasn't forgotten since.  And neither has my mom :)

God must have been looking out for me by giving me such amazing parents.  I pray every night that they don't have to live a single day without one another because I know how happy they make each other.  

Though I haven't put it into practice quite yet, thank you for all you do for me and for showing me what a healthy, fun relationship looks like and that it is possible.  Here's to twenty-three more amazing years!  

love you love me. 

.jl.

Tim Teblows his Cover!

Preface to this story..

I recently posted a blog asking for help on writing exercises and ways to get creative juices flowing. I did my own research and found this fun (at least I consider it so) game called "writing tennis" or "email tennis". Basically you go and back and forth writing a piece of a story, send it to someone else, they add their line, and then send it back or to another person..and so on and so forth. Also another great way to make a slow work day pass by..

So here's the story from the Three Amigos..the best friends any girl could ever ask for.  Thanks for the support and the sharing of hilarious imaginations.  

Tim Teblows his Cover!

So the other night I went to dinner with a few girlfriends and I wore a scarf, as usual. Scarves have been a constant in my wardrobe for what seems like umpteen years. But one of my dinner patrons commented that I am copying her style by wearing scarves. I think it's important to note that over the year of our friendship, I've seen her in a scarf once. Yes, once. I think it's also important to note that while I adore wearing scarves, it's become all the rage, for whatever reason. How can one person take credit for starting this trend of scarves? Clearly I knew that this had absolutely nothing to do with scarves at all. This comment was fueled by her obvious jealousy of me. And in turn, her passive aggressive way of picking a fight.

You see, three months ago we all were out at a club when lo and behold we ran into her ex boyfriend. Now when I say "ex boyfriend" I use the term in the loosest of senses. They "dated" for just two months. Well, she dated him. Her Facebook status read "in a relationship" and, well, his said nothing at all. And just to clarify what my role is in this, we had hooked up a few times back in college...he wanted more, I did not. Yeah, college, the golden years. Sigh. He was a Phi Delt. A cute Phi Delt, but come on, I was a stuck up, bow head KD. We did not date Phi Delts. A Phi Delt shacker shirt? I don't think so. What would all my princess, trust fund, bleach blond sorority sisters think? He was cute though. I blew him off for an ATO. ATOs now those were the guys to date. They were the coolest (while questionably gay) guys, with the best date functions and after hours parties that blew your socks off. He drove a BMW and was the president. Ok, so there was the rumor that he spiked a few girl's drinks here and there, but I was sure it wasn't true. Probably started by that Phi Mu in our Biology class who was always drooling over him. Wonder what ever happened to them?

What the hell do you think happened to him? The "ex-boyfriend" of hers, ex-fling of mine, did what every other person we went to highschool and college with has done as of late...got freaking married. And from what my friend Janine said, he doesn't drive a BMW anymore. He drives a tan Sienna mini-van with 20 inch rims complete with baby seats in the back AND third rows. Imagine if we hooked up now (I try my best not to hook up with married men..), I certainly wouldn't have to do the walk of shame from the Phi Delt house..now he could give me a ride in the mini-van and drop me off at home. I wonder if I should give him a call tonight or go to the mall to buy my scarves to tick off the passive aggressive friend of mine. There's got to be something a little more productive with my time, right? Wait, what am I thinking...I will NOT call him. Like I said, I do my best not to hook up with married men. And little does my scarf envious friend know, I am certainly not the one she should be picking fights with. So that night at the club when we ran into him, her best friend was...well...very intoxicated. And though I can not confirm it, I am almost certain she was doing lines of coke in the bathroom that night. Real hopped up on something. We lost her in the club for awhile...couldn't find her anywhere. Scarf drama friend started with her tear dramatics over Phi Delt Mini Van and the demise of their 2 month "love." A drunken mess. I decided to run to the bathroom to get her tissues. Lord knows I don't want people thinking I am friends with such a disaster of a girl...mascara everywhere. Of course, the line for the girl's bathroom was a million miles long. So I slipped into the men's room in hopes of a paper towel, square of toilet paper, something. And you would never believe what I saw!

It would have been bad enough seeing him on the dance floor trying to bust a move, or anywhere ever on planet earth, but this is much worse. I saw the worst gaYtor of them all...Tim Tebo...and my bathroom experience really sheds light on why everyone calls him "Tim Teblow". He was wearing, of course, a heinous orange and blue lacoste shirt with khakis. You could tell his shirt had been tucked in all night..until his little bathroom escapade. I can't imagine winning the 2008 national championship (boo, hiss) is really all that hard compared to what he does in bar bathrooms. If you ask me, I've always thought he was more of a wide receiver than a quarter back. And he sure as hell could never be a tight end after seeing him in the bathroom! Immediately I took pictures with my phone and am in the process of sending them to a huge magazine to publish an expose on Teblow's dirty little secret. I think the headline should read...Tim Teblows his Cover!

.jl.

gymnA$$iums

While the New Year is inspiring for most, when it comes to the gym, it is wrought with the rookie workout team. The resolutions are upon us and I am not a fan.

You might be an A$$ at the GYM if you commit these workout faux pas..

1. TREADMILL WALKERS. (unless you are rehabbing, warming up or cooling down, move it. Especially when people are waiting to actually run on the treadmill.) If you're walking fast or on an incline, that's cool. But no need for a leisurely stroll at prime gym time just to say "I worked out today."

2. Saggy Panty-Wearing Girl Under Spandex. The girls that wear saggy granny panties under the spandex/hot shorts really disturbs me. Most workout attire already comes with lining, so no need to double up and have an exuding panty line unless there's a hygiene issue that I don't want to know about.

3. The extra loud huffer and puffers at the gym. I understand when you lift massive amounts of weight it's only natural to inhale and exhale deep breaths..but no need for you guys to do it extra loud so I can hear it over the Black Eyed Peas on my iPod. I get it..you're a self proclaimed bada$$. Now move along. Not only are the noises loud and annoying, the awkward grunts coming from your body are very disturbing and sometimes give me nightmares.

4. Laziness at the gym. You know what I'm talking about..the meatheads that don't take the weights off the machines. The culprit is usually a beefy meathead in a tank top. Just because you juice doesn't mean I do, so please return your weights. Being lazy at the gym is just too dumb for words.

5. Cardio Worthlessness. If you've been doing cardio for over 30 minutes and still have not broke a sweat, DO SOMETHING ELSE. I know not all people sweat like crazy like me (gross, I'm well aware)...so if you're working out and exerting yourself, keep it up. I'm talking about those people that not only aren't breaking a sweat, they haven't raised their heart rate, are not tired and have not been phased by the last half hour of "working out". This is what I call worthless.

6. Cell Phone Chumps. If you can talk and work out at the same time, you're not trying hard enough. FTLOG, Step it Up. Personally, I don't think cell phones have a place in the gym unless you need to keep track of time (and for some reason the clock on the wall doesn't meet your needs) or you're expecting an important phone call. As always, this is an exception to the rule.

7. M3. Multiple Machine Man. I understand you're doing a circuit and need to rotate reps on a few different machines, but you don't get to hog them the entire time. If you don't own the gym, you don't own the equipment in it. Don't leave your dirty towel or wretched wife beater on a machine and call dibs on it for hours.

8. The Self-Proclaimed Instructor/Weight Lifter Connoisseur. Maybe there are some girls (and guys) that need tutorials on the proper way to lift weights or how to handle equipment, but I'm not one of them. I repeat--save your lessons for someone that needs them and better yet, for someone who cares. I've played collegiate sports and have been in the gym since diapers..I know how to handle all the equipment I need to. While some folks might appreciate the Richard Simmons personal trainer approach, I do not. So please take a percocet and move on. Enough said.

9. Small Talk Sammy. I promise you I do not go to the gym to make small talk or get phone numbers. It's sad that I sometimes have to wear headphones just to drive that point home. When I'm running, I'm running. Not talking.

10. Workout Diva. (And no, this does not stem from jealousy, but think what you will.) Putting on makeup and doing your hair FOR the gym is not ok. While it's perfectly acceptable to have leftover makeup from the work day (or even from the night before), no need to reapply for the gym. If a guy is impressed with a girl's makeup AT the gym, you should send him packing. It's a gym, not match.com. This goes hand in hand with #9. I'm not at the gym to meet guys so I will not flirt with you or primp for you.

11. The Couple. Maybe it's cute you can work out as a couple, but leave the canoodling until after you get home. No need to hold hands on side by side treadmills or wipe each other's sweat. Do your own stuff and ride home together.

12. Larry the Lurker. Creepy, creepy, creepy to have a guy lurk at the gym or hover. There is such thing as a need for personal space..even in a crowded gym. Also, no need to stare. Again, crazy creepy.

13. Unnecessary Nakedness. What you do in the locker room really is your business, but no need to dry your hair and apply your makeup completely in the buck. You can borrow one of my clean towels to cover your goods if you need to. Just ask.

14. The Weight Slammer. I get it Billy Bada$$. You are lifting a ton of lbs over there. Slamming the weights on the ground doesn't make me think it's any heavier..it simply makes me think you lifted more than you could handle.

15. The Mirror Maniac. I am just as guilty as the next of checking my form in the mirror. It's expected and even beneficial for results. But ladies and gentleman, no need to lock on to the gaze of your physique. I would bet your mirror at home would give the same reflection, so try it there instead.

16. Killer Karaoke. The music you choose to listen to is your business and I promise not to judge. But Paula, Randy and Simon aren't listening so keep it to inside voices. Inside your head.

17. Ms. Bad Choice on TV Channel. Under no circumstance is it a good idea to tune the TV to the Food Channel. You a$$hole jerk. I love running 6 miles and watching a skinny chick make a tiramisu on the TV. Seriously.

18. The Accidental Gym Work Out Guy. You know the type. The guy that strides in wearing True Religion jeans and Rainbow flip flops to lift weights. Please wear appropriate attire and footwear to the gym at all times. Go home, put on workout clothes and come back.

19. Minors. Nine times out of ten the younger kids are just there eff'ing around. Please only serious people apply.

20. Anything else I deem annoying is therefore considered annoying. At least to me.

What are some of your pet peeves at the gym?

Since most of these are the unwritten rules of the gym, consider them now written. Learn it, Live it, Love it.

.jl.

Use Discretion with your Facebook Photos..

Let me be the first to break the news to you..the number of photos on your facebook page does not correlate to the number of friends you have or the amount of "fun" in your life (nor should it).  I'm still new to facebook, but this whole phenomenon of tagging photos and adding unattractive pictures of your friends completely escapes me.  

If I had a somewhat large friend, I sure as hell wouldn't post a photo of her in a bikini that would make her feel uncomfortable or add to the fat factor.  If I snapped a picture of a good friend making out with a guy that just so happened to be her boyfriend's best friend, I wouldn't post that on facebook either.  

I feel like people want to post as many pictures as possible as if to say "Look at me..look how much fun I had this weekend.  Look at all the people I got to hang with."  It's not a competition folks.  Haven't you heard...quality far out weighs quantity.  If you have lots of great pictures that don't piss your friends off, then bring it!

Maybe it's just me and perhaps I'm shallow and all that good stuff, but I wouldn't want any pictures of my friends looking less than average on my page.  Food for thought.

FTLOG, use discretion.

.jl.

business as usual..my a$$

Many companies are issuing both internal and external communications stressing "Business as Usual" but their actions are ridiculously contradictory to their statements. According to many economists, we aren't exactly facing another Great Depression, but our current economy is sure as hell depressing, nonetheless. Personally, I'm experiencing a lot of anxiety when it comes to the recession since it's all new for me.

Due to the economic slump the health care industry (among many, many others) is laying off an obscene number of workers. Many view marketing and advertising as a luxury and believe it should be one of the first things to go when revamping and cutting budgets. Since marketing is my forte, I'm naturally nervous that my job is now more than ever disposable. (The topic of cutting marketing dollars to help save a business will be another post entirely because that is the most asinine thing I've ever heard. Marketing will help grow a business if done properly and with discretion and should reap a healthy ROI.)

Though I'm not an Obama supporter, I'm intrigued in regards to his proposed stimulus plan and the mass amount of change he's promised. I wish along with his plan that he would send xanax to all American citizens to help calm their nerves during this economic upheaval. I feel like Matt Leinart sitting on the sidelines waiting to get back in the game of life because I'm scared to spend too much money. I'm drinking beer instead of liquor most nights, going out much less, shopping less and avoiding malls in general, contemplating whether or not certain vacations are "needed", and most of all sitting at home every day making sure my resume is updated just in case.

At the same time these companies are declaring business as usual they are laying off high percentages of their work force, cutting back on employee benefits, retracting tuition reimbursement plans, revoking company matches for investment plans, cancelling holiday soirees, and much more. Companies are in "cut unnecessary costs" mode, but what upper management deems unnecessary and what may be vital to performing your job successfully can often times be two different things. For instance, many pharmaceutical companies are cutting back on the total amount of mileage that can be reimbursed and the amount on expense reports. We all know the best way for reps to get in the door (sad, but true) is to bring breakfast or lunch to the doctors and staff. In order to sell a lot, the rep must drive to many offices in one day. If upper management decides to cut back on the food tab, the reps don't have an easy way in the office anymore, significantly cutting back on their sales. If they are limiting you to a certain amount of mileage a day, you're stuck cold calling over the phone rather than in person which can result in a rapid decline of volume.

They say history repeats itself, and I think they're right. Think about the older generation folks you know. My grandpa, love him to pieces, has the tighest wallet I've ever seen. I think having lived through the tough times brought on by the Great Depression has left remnants of remaining cautious with money. That entire generation still operates under that scarred mentality that has only minimally faded away in nearly 80 years.

So like I said, business as usual my a$$. Barack, bring on the xanax..at least until the economy starts to rise again.

.jl.